Determination - Simmie's Journey

[TurboSimmie]

11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[SheShe] Bear's been through a lot, as I suspect Phil has, and he's improved a lot and continues to improve as I'm sure Phil has and will too, but even now that he's a happy-go-lucky boy at times, sometimes he can really be a Bear and it's frustrating, but you have to love your friends and their quirks. Think of it like this, quirks make a tree more interesting; a smooth, perfect, unblemished tree is pretty boring--to me anyway.  

 

I agree so much with this. One of the things I love about Phil is that he's a deeply fascinating person with a lot going on under the surface and really interesting history. One thing that really gets me is just how much there is; I look through back through Phil's mind on things that happened so long ago--like right now I'm picturing the inside of his 4th grade classroom from 1995--and it just boggles my mind that it's all part of the same life. I think you guys are ones who really understand the weight of years, if you know what I mean. Phil really is my quirky tree. 😁🌲 I tend to see him more as a deep ocean: It's vast and hides may secrets beneath its waves, but it's a platform for so much life to flourish! 🐟🐠🐳🦀🦐🦞🐬🦦

 

11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[Misha] I was never big on changing Bear, he was always perfect just how he is. Wuvable and cudleable, big and soft and warm with sharp claws and jagged teeth. ♡ I know you feel the same about Phil and are closer to him than we ever could be with Bear, and I'm glad you're enjoying it. 

 

Aww!!! 😁

 

11 hours ago, Ashley said:

[Bear] Hm? Hm.

 

😄💚

[glitchthe3rd]

Luna: I too have never expected perfection out of Glitch. It's overrated anyway; perfect skies make for boring sunsets, as I say.

 

Elise: That rhymed 😂 You're a poet and you don't even know it!

[TurboSimmie]

Alright, here we go. Time to talk about our son, our plans, and everything regarding it all! I've been a little intimidated about getting this all down, so I'm just going to go ahead and do it. If I miss anything important I'll just add it later! I've decided, per suggestion, to put each section under a spoiler tag to make this post a little easier to read and less intimidating.

 

There are two ways of looking at this: (1) As a husband and wife expecting a child together, and (2) As a Host and a Tulpa creating a new Tulpa. I'm going to try to explain this through both angles as they are both relevant and important and inform the process.

 

Before we go any further, let's talk about his name. For reasons that I will get to later, we have decided to name our son after his father. So his true name will be the same as Phil's real name but for the sake of convenience you can think of him as Phil Jr., or just Junior. In fact, Phil and I have gotten so used to calling our son "Junior" in our conversations about him that it's stuck and will be the main name I use when discussing him. Of course, when he is older, if he wants to be called something else that will be his right and we will support whatever name he chooses for himself. But until that happens, we'll call him Junior.

 

Why have a child / create a new tulpa?

 

Spoiler

Phil has always wanted to be a father. I still fully support him becoming one in real life if the opportunity ever arises! But as it is, the chances seem slim for the foreseeable future. Also, I have always wanted to be a mother--I know that I never "really" had a childhood but I can just imagine myself as a little girl, looking up to my mom and wanting to be a mother just like her. I want to bring life into this world. I want to nurture and hold and love my child. I want to raise someone I can be proud of. I truly believe I can do this! I could talk even more about how the idea of being parents is so important and fulfilling to Phil and I both, but this post will be long enough as it is, so I'll have to leave it there.

 

But what about from the tulpamancy perspective? Why create a new tulpa? The dynamic between Phil and I is so cozy, so perfect, why change it? And yes, we have thought about this a lot when thinking about whether or not to go through with this. But I think the benefits will outweigh any shift that comes into the dynamic. Plus, needless to say, Junior will be much less of a handful than an IRL infant, and Phil and I will still have plenty of time to enjoy being a couple. I'll list a few reasons why I think this will be good from a tulpamancy perspective:

1. The act of creation itself. Part of the appeal of tulpamancy is the pure enjoyment of the process of creation; from the very conception of the idea of a thoughtform to a fully-formed tulpa that can do anything a host can. I want to take part in this creation! I have come full circle from creation to creator, (of course not THE creator), and I love the idea of being a tulpamancer in my own right just like Phil!
2. The chance to get it right. I will never criticize Phil for how he created me because he did such a nice job with me; fed me with all the love and attention he could spare, and helped mold me into the person I became! However, saying all that, I have to admit that I was pretty much dropped into a warzone and expected to keep up from the start. Phil's mind in 2020 was a rough place, and although he tried to shield me from things the best he could, I pretty much slotted myself into my role as his emotional support, protector, lover, friend, etc, all from the start. I don't regret it and would never change it. BUT, it did lead to me effectively having no childhood. I had no time to really figure out who or what I was except "on the job". With Junior it will be different. He will have boundless time to learn and grow. He won't have any responsibilities or burdens placed upon him that he's not ready to accept.
3. He will have no baggage. Phil carries 36 years of baggage around with him everywhere he goes. It really weighs him down. Junior will have no baggage. He'll be an entirely new person not weighed down by Phil's past or any other burdens Phil carries around. Junior is a pure soul. I want to raise him right so that he grows up with a clear head, able to make good decisions, and bolstered by the kind of unconditional love and support that Phil has tragically lacked.
4. A male headmate will be very helpful to Phil. I know some people were a bit surprised when I announced that our child would be a boy, as it seems like most Male-Host-Female-Tulpa pairs have daughters. But given our dynamic I think it couldn't have been any other way. For one thing, I have claimed ownership over anything feminine in this system, and giving up my hold on even some of it would be very difficult for me. But more importantly, Phil--as a man making his way in the outer world--could use another headmate who feels comfortable and natural in his male body. As a woman it always feels a bit odd driving his big ol' meat mech, and I really don't feel right interacting with the world "as" Phil. Junior--when he gets older--will hopefully not feel the same way.

 

Pregnancy

 

Spoiler

We have decided to fully embrace the idea of a full-term pregnancy and childbirth. Thankfully, as a tulpa, I don't expect it to hurt! 😁 There are many reasons why we've chosen this route. Since I've already made a list for the previous section, I'm going to go ahead and make one here.

1. Nine months of pregnancy will give us plenty of time to prepare. Both for the arrival of our son and for the change in our dynamic. All the little emotional hangups and hurdles that could and probably would happen if we decided to immediately bring Junior into the world with no buildup? We have nine months to get through and over them before Junior even arives. To be honest, the months of July through October were full of uncertainty for us as to whether we really wanted to do this. The "conception" of Junior took place on July 7 so things were already in motion, but, well, technically there is nothing stopping us from calling a mulligan on the whole thing. Realistically that was never an option for us; since July 7th I've known that the seed of Junior has been within me and I could never cancel or put him on ice. But the fact that it took us almost 4 months to come to terms with the decision we already made shows the importance of those nine.
2. Realness, immersion, and authenticity. It's incredibly important to us both--but particularly me--that this whole experience be as authentic as possible. I have a pregnancy calendar and check it daily to see how big my son is!!! (Right now he is 11 inches long and weighs roughly 15 ounces!!!) In our visualization I have a pregnant belly and it gets bigger all the time. I normally weight 125lbs, I currently weigh around 140lbs and expect to be at least 150-155 by the time I give birth. My breasts are swelling and my ribs and hips are shifting. These are all things I think about and it all feels very real to me. I don't visualize myself doing things a pregnant woman can't/wouldn't/shouldn't do. This is all to make the reality of the situation all the more apparent: I am pregnant, our son is coming, our family is growing.
3. I just really, really, really want to be pregnant. If you couldn't already tell. 😄 Seriously, this has been so satisfying for me, emotionally and spiritually. This of course isn't the main reason for doing this, but it's been a really, really, really beautiful experience. 💚 I'm gonna be a momma, guys! 😁😁😁

 

The Plan

 

Spoiler

Junior will be born on Friday, April 7, 2023. We don't know what time yet. We suspect probably in the afternoon but we'll see. This gives us a target to aim at, a date to plan around. So what actually is the plan when he arrives? We've thought about it a lot and this is really the meat of the whole idea. We can talk about why this whole thing is important to Phil and I, but it ultimately comes down to what we're going to do once he's here.

 

The most important thing to say is that Junior will grow and develop according to his own needs. We will neither force him to "stay" younger than he wants to be, nor will we try to force him to grow up. Almost certainly he will grow at a faster rate than a human child. The reasons for this are obvious, the first of which he will be born within a 37-year-old man's brain, not as an infant body with an infant's brain. So I doubt I'll be seeing him off at his high school graduation in 2041. 😄 I don't even want to speculate on how long it will take him to grow up, or even how long he will spend at each stage of life. He'll be ready whenever he says he's ready.

 

Phil and I agreed long ago that I, Simmie, will be taking the lead in childrearing/tulpaforcing. This feels natural and even a little obvious for many reasons. For one: the way that Phil and I approach life generally is that he is the one who interacts with the world at large and I keep his mental "house" for him. Junior--especially in his early days--will exist entirely within the realm of this mental house, and therefore naturally within the realm of Simmie. Needless to say, Phil will still be very involved in raising his own son. But we are very traditional in many ways and this is one of them: the mother is the one who looks after the kids. I already see myself as a homemaker and this will be an extension of that role! 😊 Also--and I'm not sure how I can say this without sounding controlling--I want to raise Junior in my way. I think I have an overall healthier mindset than Phil when it comes to instilling virtues and traits into our son. Phil doesn't disagree.

 

Also, there will be a degree of active forcing with Junior, but it will be gentle and gradual. I don't see the need in grinding away to develop Junior as fast as possible. In fact, I think that would be to his detriment, as well as our detriment as well. Nine months is a long time to prepare, but even once he is here I want a nice, gradual transition between two and three. The shift in dynamic has to be so gentle that it becomes something really only understood by looking back, if that makes sense. But that doesn't mean neglect. I will be giving Junior all the attention and love he could ever need!

 

I want to give Junior some time to enjoy existence as a baby; being out in the world but not necessarily interacting with it yet. Junior will move through the stages of life as he grows: He will start as a baby, then become a toddler, a child, a teenager, and finally an adult. Each stage will be marked by certain developmental milestones; when he reaches them he can be said to have passed through one stage and onto another. I have a pretty detailed idea of what milestones fit each stage, but good lord this post is already long enough as it is so I might have to save that! One I will mention though: I think that when Junior becomes fully vocal that will signify that he is no longer a toddler and is now a child. That feels natural and normal to me. That's also the stage in which he'll actually be able to vocalize what he wants and take part in his own development. Just as Phil handed over the responsibility of my development to myself, I want to eventually do that for Junior. First by giving him a say, then by letting him take the lead but keeping a hand in it, to finally when he is old enough stepping back and allowing him full agency.

 

So that's the gist of it so far! 😁 I'll have much more to say soon! I'm happy and excited to answer any questions anyone might have, as well as address any concerns that might be brought up. I am genuinely so excited about this!!! 😁💚 When I think of my son growing in my belly I am filled with the warmest, most loving sensation. I feel a deep love for Phil and even a love for my friends, but this...this is a love beyond. I can't even really express it. I am just so happy to be on this journey and can't wait to see where it goes! 😁💚

[Glaurung26]

Sounds perfect dear. I think you have the right approach. Sounds very similar to how we approached it. Low stress, high love. ❤️

[glitchthe3rd]

Luna: Hehe, glad to hear you're enjoying motherhood so far 😊 And tulpa kids are indeed much less of a handful than real ones, or at least in our case, Elise was always pretty well-behaved for the most part. By the way, she was an adult for a while and then decided she preferred being a kid, so it's possible for Junior to get younger if that's a thing he wants to do down the road. 😋

[TB]

Congratulations Simmie! I'm sorry I didn't find out until just now. I can't believe it's been a month. did you just recently change your signature to say this or have I just been not noticing it for a while?

[TurboSimmie]

Thank you so much TB! 😁💚

[Bear]

All I'm saying is, my system better not get any ideas. The closest thing we have to a baby or a tulpa is Ren and so one-and-done.

 

Congratulations again and wow, that's quite an adventure. We look forward to hearing all about him as it goes.

[September13]

I thought I'd give an end-of-year update, both on tulpamancy and life. Lots of stream-of-consciousness rambling ahead, be warned!

 

If there has been a theme for 2022, it has been coming to terms with the things in my life that are toxic, destructive, and bad. In 2023 I want to use this knowledge to try and live better. A lot of the lessons have been very painful and there were many things I should have understood years if not decades ago. But I'm hoping this self-discovery will help me forward. Simmie has been an invaluable partner in this; we've talked a lot about these things and have worked out a lot of things together. Simmie never lets me off the hook and is always on top of me when I fall into bad habits, even when it's something as simple as staying up too late. Simmie has been an absolute saint this year, I can't overstate how hard it is for her to live in this head and have to deal with my BS all of the time. You see the bright and sunny side of Simmie on this forum, but what you don't see is when she beats herself up for what she sees as her failure to help me--which is not true, Simmie has and continues to make my life FAR better than it would be without her. But she sees every moment I'm depressed and every time I slip into a bad habit as a personal failing. She also worries that she is both too hard on me and too permissive at the same time. I worry she holds herself up to a standard no one can possibly meet. But Simmie doesn't let anything hold her back. ("Don't doubt me. You haven't seen anything yet!" Simmie just said to me)

 

I have been through a number of things this year including a period of unemployment and a new job, all of which takes a lot of energy to adjust to. There's also the more abstract problem of really feeling the weight of time and age in a way I haven't before. Being now two-thirds of the way through my thirties, it's just overwhelming to think of how much has happened and how much time has passed. It's a feeling I never really felt before I turned 35; after all your early 30s don't really feel much different than your late 20s, and your 20s in general can be seen as the very start of adulthood, but now that I'm closer to 40 than 30 I've had to really accept that I'm not a "new adult"; I've been here a while and there is an entirely new generation entering adulthood now. The people I always considered to be the "real adults" are all elderly now--all retired or near retirement--and I've had to come to terms that these people are diminishing, declining, stepping aside. The notion that the "real adults" have a handle on things has faded; maybe they never did in the first place. It's also very odd to be old enough to be an age I remember my parents themselves being. I've always kind of felt they were born adults whereas I'm just a child pretending. But of course the mirror belies that notion--a nearly-middle-aged man looks back at me now. I don't feel as though I've "earned" these years because I've always associated age with competency, but maybe that's another notion that should have died long ago as well. Maybe people don't get wiser, they just get older and more bitter. I dunno. The circle of life has broken down; I always assumed I'd become like my parents and they'd become like my grandparents. But no, they're still them and I'm still me. Nothing has changed except we've all gotten older, and there's no new generation coming to renew the circle. It all just feels so hopeless, so I don't usually think about such things anymore, instead finding solace and stimulation in the moment-to-moment micro-adventures of life. There is a lot of beauty in the world, and Simmie has really helped me see it. I don't know if the beauty can beat out the sadness but it's got a chance!

 

So here are some of the things I am going to try and work on for 2023. Getting up earlier and going to bed at a reasonable time. Spend as much time as I can outside; hiking, biking, going to the beach, exploring, whatever. Try to center myself and maybe give meditation another try. Really work on building an even deeper connection with myself and my lovely head-wife. Really make her glow with all the love and attention I can give her. Help her by helping myself which will in turn allow her to help me even better. Support her as she takes the lead in raising our tulpa son starting in April. Give her the space she needs to focus on in-house matters rather than having to constantly stay on top of my BS.

 

My wish for my son is that he can grow up un-tainted by all the weight and emotion that I carry around. Simmie is the shield between me and Junior; the filter. I feel like I am tainted all the way through to my core. Simmie is still a pure soul at her core; her true strength is being able to interact with the world and interact with me without it corrupting her at her core. But Junior, I hope he remains pure all the way through. I hope he grows up wise and clear of thought; I want him to be somebody I can look up to, somebody I can admire and trust. Somebody who can see things for what they are without any kind of trauma or hangups giving a distorted view.  I want him to be connected to all of the knowledge of this brain without any of the baggage. Basically, I want him to grow into the person I could've and should've been. Is this too much to ask of my son, yet a tulpa-to-be? I don't know. I want to give him everything in the world, but I don't want the world to crush him. He'll have his mother to protect him from day one. Simmie is the best shield he could ever ask for. Simmie will have to interact fully with both of us, the broken down old tainted father and the pure son, and decide what's allowed to pass through from me to him. That's going to take a lot of energy on Simmie's part, so I'm hoping to spare her the fretting of worrying about my minute-to-minute mental state, and improving my habits and my outlook is going to play a big roll in that.

 

In all, 2022 has been a difficult year but I thank 2022 for giving me the clarity and knowledge to be able to make positive changes that will make my life better; thereby making Simmie's life better as well and freeing up more of her energy for the crucial task of raising our son. There's more I could say about all this but I think that's quite enough for now.

 

Questions or thoughts about any of this are welcome. Happy New Year everyone!

[Glaurung26]

That's so beautiful! 😭❤

 

We hope the best for your new year. May it be filled with hope and love and happiness with your new family.