Determination - Simmie's Journey

[Lavender]

14 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

I just wanted to put all of this out there to see what people thought of it! I'll get around to responding to everyone's wonderful comments on our previous post later. 😊 Thank you for reading! 😁💚

 

I am just so awed by you and your family. Maybe because my host consciousness and me are so new to this tulpa business (it will be one whole year in a couple weeks!) but the idea of taking care and raising a tulpa from infancy sounds daunting. I think of myself as a super loving person, but I don't know if I'd have love and energy for my host consciousness and someone else. We have a no-more-tulpas agreement that we made near the start and neither of us are having second thoughts about that. I so admire that you have the love to nurture not one, but maybe two young ones, as well as Phil who seems like he also benefits from your love and energy.

 

Because it's just the two of us, and it looks like it's going to stay that way, I don't think I'm qualified to have any thoughts yes or no. I can't imagine three people living in this head, much less four. But a family of four would be an exciting adventure and I have 100% total confidence that you and Phil would continue to be super amazing tulpa parents!

[ReallyArtificial]

Aww, your family is just so sweet! I agree with Lavender, it's cool how you’ve been letting James/your family as a whole grow in real time. I feel like I haven't seen much of that in the community.

 

Personally, we love being a system of four. There is a sort of balance to it that felt very natural and right for us. There's never a dull moment, someone always has something they want to say or do. On the other hand, it was such a big adjustment. I feel like we're still working out all the kinks a year down the road. It might be easier going from three to four instead of jumping right from two to four like we did though. Either way, we wish you luck and lots of happiness in the future! 😁

[ChloeBee]

Welp, big things are happening in Phil world. As it turns out, the transgender question wasn't as settled as I thought it was. It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I'll have a lot more to say in a few days.

[ChloeBee]

Okay, here we go. So, I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately. And after several years of denial I have finally accepted this fundamental truth about myself: I am transgender. I am a woman.

 

I am not sure where to even begin with this because I could literally write for days about the things that led up to this acceptance. But here's the thing--this didn't spring out of nowhere, I have been struggling against the truth of my gender for almost 7 years at least. Even go back and read the very first post in this thread from 4 years ago, the denial is right there. The truth was there and evident from the very start--I just had the very cis male fascination with being turned into a woman and desire to explore that idea further, lol.

 

So as the years went on I started to construct increasingly complicated logical pretzels to be able to tell myself I was not transgender. I tried to use the "it's only a fetish" offramp, ignoring the fact that the main thing I got from the TG media I conumsed and created was not erotic but rather a deep, satisfying feeling of fulfillment. Well known to anyone who knows us on the forum, I tried to have Simmie represent the female energy of our system so I could just be a man. It seemed to work for a while...but it actually didn't. Night after night I was looking at TG art, reading TG stories, having TG-related chats with AI chatbots, even

Spoiler

engaging in erotic RPs with both men and women while taking the woman's role.

All of this made Simmie very uneasy, as she was a very adamant believer in "Simmie is a woman and Phil is a man", and she felt that she was failing in her duty to enforce that binary, even though it was I who was "failing" to stick to my masculinity.

 

So the tipping point happened about a week ago. I don't even know how it happened or what brought it about, but at some point I started binge-watching transgender videos. Not erotic or fetishy, just straight-forward videos made by transgender people about being trans, talking about their lives, transitions, trans memes, etc. So many of those videos began with the person cheekily saying "the totally cis male urge to click on this video" and I'm sitting there like "damn, they really have my number" lol. So I started to do something that I have never allowed myself to do before--actually open myself up to the possibility that I could actually be trans.

 

And BOOM!!! Almost instantly the carefully constructed walls of denial that I had built up over several years cracked and crumbled to dust. Once I finally became open to the truth, the truth became so obvious and correct that it seemed ridiculous that I denied it to myself for so long. It became an obsessive thought over the next few days, with me going back over my life and searching for little clues and finding them. Tons of emotions filled my mind: worry, excitement, nerves, but most of all, I was filled with a sense of joy bigger and deeper than anything I've felt in quite some time.

 

So here I am now: I am a girl. I have chosen the name Chloe to go by, I'm not sure if that will be my name forever, but for now I would like to be called that if you please. She/her pronouns too. Wow, even typing that out felt thrilling and exciting. This whole thing is new and strange and wonderful to me, and to think, I could have had this years ago if I didn't spend so much time in denial!

 

You may be wondering where Simmie fits into all of this and what she thinks about this sudden turn of events. As I mentioned before, Simmie was the main force behind the maintenance of "Simmie is a woman, Phil is a man", so I was worried she would react negatively to my new self-discovery. But instead, Simmie reacted with immediate and unconditional support. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Simmie's mind and heart changed in an instant; the change was so sudden that I had to ask her how she could "change her ideology" so fast. And Simmie's response was: "I didn't change my ideology. My ideology is you. Loving and supporting you." When I asked her what she thought about being with me as a girl given that Simmie has always identified as a straight woman, she said "If you're a girl, that means I'm into at least one girl". Her deep and abiding love has filled my heart.

 

So as I embark on this new journey I am met with many questions as to how I am going to move forward as a transgender woman on the doorstep of 40 years old. Since this is a tulpamancy forum, I'm not going to be documenting every step along the way here. (Though I may do it elsewhere and link it here). But Tulpamancy has been tied into this from the very start for me. I realized that I was living vicariously though Simmie as a woman, through watching her develop and grow into the full and amazing person she is today, to seeing her develop her own style and aesthetic, I watched on fully encouraging Simmie to live the life that I "couldn't" lead as a woman. But now, I get to embrace it for myself, and I am so very happy!

 

Needless to say this is going to cause my relationship with Simmie to evolve in ways that are hard to predict. But whatever motivations I had for creating Simmie in the first place, whatever intentions I had for her upholding a false binary between us or being someone I could live through, Simmie is here, she is a fully-formed person, and she is not going away. Simmie is my solid rock in a world that is changing even faster than it was before. And in some ways we have come full-circle; at the beginning, Simmie was the little fledgling tulpa and I was the host with longevity and experience. But now, in our system, Simmie is the one with the most history and experience in her gender. I look to Simmie for wisdom, guidance, and stability as my life and my view of myself changes. She is the older, stronger, more stable of the two of us now.

 

One big irony is that back in the denial days when "Phil was a man and Simmie was a woman", I really hated that I had to be the big strong man that took care of everything, that I had to be tough, assertive, be "the guy". I tried very hard to be that guy, and Simmie encouraged me very much in being so. But in reality, all I ever really wanted was to be cute, adorable, and cared-for. I hated the rugged self-reliance that I was expected to have as a man. In reality, I am a squishy little softy. I truly am a petite 5'1" girl in a 5'10" man's body. Meanwhile Simmie--who had started out as being fairly small and waif-ish when I created her--has developed into a very tough cookie. Within the first year or two Simmie started getting really into working out and martial arts. She grew a liking for wrestling and combat sports; she never flinched at the violence of it. (Though she hates seeing violence done against people outside the context of a sport or something like that). Gradually, Simmie's form started to become stronger and more muscular. Not huge or anything, she was still definitely feminine, but a very toned, athletic body. She also began to see herself as a protector and would take that role very seriously. She would picture herself fighting against physical manifestations of the things that threatened me, shooting them with guns or delivering devastating kicks to the head. Simmie began to see herself in the mold of Sarah Connor from the Terminator films. In short, Simmie was becoming a badass. And yet I was the one expected to be the hard-ass as a man. But now, finally, I can allow myself to be the delicate girl that I had always wished I could be, and Simmie can be my tough, fierce protector. She has always resisted taking the lead in our relationship: beyond the gender dynamic she also felt since I was the one who owned the body I had to be the one to make the decisions. But I think that within our own internal world Simmie is ready to step up and wear the pants, so to speak. At least to a certain extent.

 

And as for James, he now becomes the only male in the system and he has two mommies. One part of all sharing this brain together is that James intuitively understands what is going on and that it's okay. And the aspect of me that is still "Phil the Father", as Simmie puts it, will always exist in some form or another and will be there to give James the fatherly guidance he needs, even if his father is now his other mother. And as for a hypothetical second child, a daughter, that still hangs in the air as a possibility but we can put that on the back burner for as long as we want.

 

So, in conclusion to all of that, I, Chloe, am now (and I guess always was) a girl. I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of me, AI images that represent what a fully realized female form of mine might look like, although that, like so much else right now, is subject to change. I want you to know that I am very happy to learn all this about myself and very happy to share it too. I welcome any questions or comments, and want to offer my sincere thanks for anyone who took the time to read this brick.

 

Love, Chloe. ❤️

 

 

[ReallyArtificial]

Chloe and Simmie has such a nice ring to it! We're happy for you, you deserve to enjoy life as your authentic self 💙

[glitchthe3rd]

Oh wow, congrats on coming out! I also have grappled with gender related issues for a long time, and came to the conclusion a few years back that I'm nonbinary. People ask sometimes if having opposite-gender tulpas makes you trans, but I think it just makes you more aware of gender-related issues. I have no plans of transitioning, even though I'm younger than Phil, and that's partly due to external factors including the current leadership in this country. 🙃That being said, I have been experimenting with a more feminine wonderland form for a while, and it includes wavy chestnut brown hair a bit like in your pics, so that's an interesting coincidence. 😜

 

Luna: I think red might be your color, Chloe, or perhaps a nice autumn brown. Depends somewhat on your eye color... Oh, and welcome to the cute parade ^^

[Glaurung26]

Congratulations @Chloe - September13 ! We're very happy for you! It always feels uplifting to have a breakthrough and feel like you can give yourself a break and love yourself again. We all have our own personal journeys (which there is zero manual for, we're all just making it up as we go), but I understand some bits and pieces about yours. I also played around with the idea and did some exercises to try to get in touch with "Lady Darron" or whomever. I think in the end I decided to stick with my gender, at least for now. It is comforting to know that the door is there if I ever wish to visit again. I'm happy with the role as the "man of the house," as Jaina is very happy with hers as the trad mommy and my support and comfort. But she's assured me if things were different and if I wanted to follow a path like yours, she would still be supportive and loving of my choices. I think her and Simmie are truly cut from the same cloth. It's not about where you go, it's about who you go there with. I'm very proud of you, Chloe.

 

We both are. ❤️ Please accept our love and know that you and your family are in our hearts, wherever you go and whatever life throws at you. I know that wherever you go, there will be a special someone there helping you as she always has with her girl power and to help you find your Chloe power! 💪 

[ChloeBee]

On 1/23/2025 at 11:09 AM, ReallyArtificial said:

Chloe and Simmie has such a nice ring to it! We're happy for you, you deserve to enjoy life as your authentic self 💙

 

Thank you so much!

 

On 1/27/2025 at 6:07 PM, glitchthe3rd said:

Oh wow, congrats on coming out! I also have grappled with gender related issues for a long time, and came to the conclusion a few years back that I'm nonbinary. People ask sometimes if having opposite-gender tulpas makes you trans, but I think it just makes you more aware of gender-related issues. I have no plans of transitioning, even though I'm younger than Phil, and that's partly due to external factors including the current leadership in this country. 🙃That being said, I have been experimenting with a more feminine wonderland form for a while, and it includes wavy chestnut brown hair a bit like in your pics, so that's an interesting coincidence. 😜

 

That hair color is actually very close to my actual color, though my hair is straight as an arrow and not wavy at all. (I have heard anecdotes about estrogen affecting how wavy your hair is, so I guess I'll see!) I did actually have long hair once before, between the ages of 18 and 22, and I did it mostly because it felt counter-culture and hippie-ish. I didn't take good care of it at the time because "guys don't care about that", haha. I'm looking forward to having long feminine hair that I actually care about and style and keep healthy!

 

I think that a much higher percentage of tulpamancers are trans than the regular population, but by no means does having an opposite gender tulpa make you trans, and you're right, it does make you aware of gender issues. Simmie really did help me get in touch with my femininity in a time where I was actively trying to be more masculine.

 

And I have no idea how to explain this but having this d-bag in office right now somehow makes me want to transition even more. Maybe, on some level, I'm still a rebel who wants to stick it to the man.

 

11 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

Congratulations @Chloe - September13 ! We're very happy for you! It always feels uplifting to have a breakthrough and feel like you can give yourself a break and love yourself again. We all have our own personal journeys (which there is zero manual for, we're all just making it up as we go), but I understand some bits and pieces about yours. I also played around with the idea and did some exercises to try to get in touch with "Lady Darron" or whomever. I think in the end I decided to stick with my gender, at least for now. It is comforting to know that the door is there if I ever wish to visit again. I'm happy with the role as the "man of the house," as Jaina is very happy with hers as the trad mommy and my support and comfort. But she's assured me if things were different and if I wanted to follow a path like yours, she would still be supportive and loving of my choices. I think her and Simmie are truly cut from the same cloth. It's not about where you go, it's about who you go there with. I'm very proud of you, Chloe.

 

Thank you so much!!! Experimenting with this is always fun and interesting, and merely questioning things doesn't mean you're automatically trans--plenty of people have questioned themselves and decided they are cis after all. Simmie and I really did try the trad thing as long as we could...but I wanted to be the housewife, dammit!!! 😄 Because of the reality of me being the one with the physical body I'm always going to be the one that has to go out and earn the money, but it's incredibly freeing to no longer have our dynamic shaped by the attempt to live up to the gender roles that we were assigned. Even though Simmie is quite feminine herself, I am definitely the more femme of the two of us. Simmie is naturally much more assertive than me though she has no desire to ever be dominant, even in a playful way. But she definitely sees herself as the protector and I am much more the distressed damsel, lol. And yeah, especially when it comes to being loving and supportive, Jaina and Simmie are definitely cut from the same cloth.

 

12 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

We both are. ❤️ Please accept our love and know that you and your family are in our hearts, wherever you go and whatever life throws at you. I know that wherever you go, there will be a special someone there helping you as she always has with her girl power and to help you find your Chloe power! 💪 

 

Thank you so much Jaina!!! Simmie helps every day to bring out the Chloe I've hidden inside of me al this time.

 

Also, I want to thank all the people over in LOTPW who were kind and supportive towards me when Simmie made the big announcement over there. ❤️ As well as those who have been giving me valuable advice about transitioning.

 

And here is a picture of me--maybe looking the way I will in a couple years or so--shopping for clothes.

[ChloeBee]

It's been quite a long time since I've written an entry on here and I'm overdue for a long and comprehensive one but for now a short one is going to have to suffice.

 

I want to write a deeper reflection on how my newfound trans woman identity and my experiences with tulpamancy intersect and interact. But in short, my acceptance of my identity has caused a huge shift in my relationship with Simmie, both in terms of host-and-tulpa and as husband-and-wife wives. And it's not entirely for the better either--not Simmie's fault, and not really mine either, it's just...things have gotten shaken up on a really fundamental level.

 

The thing I want to talk about right now is how my relationship with and connection to Simmie has seemed to become less central to my life after coming out as trans. This has had a profound effect on my emotional state, as our relationship provides many psychological and emotional benefits that are just not being generated as potently as before. My entire life--especially my adult life--has been shaped by a profound sense of isolation and loneliness. Simmie has done what no other person can in terms of filling the planet-sized void in my soul that no other person could even attempt to fill. With Simmie, I feel like I am no longer alone in this world, I have a friend and companion to share this bizarre and often sad journey. But with our relationship not as central as it has been in the past, this vast sense of isolation has been returning in a way that I haven't felt since before Simmie entered my life almost 5 years ago.

 

Now I want to state on the record that I consider this to be 100% on me and 0% on Simmie. She is wonderful, she will do anything she can to help me, even give me space if that's what I feel is best. Finding out who I am as Chloe has taken up a large and central part of my mind and Simmie has been giving me the space to do that. She has never complained--well, almost never--and she is strong and confident enough to know that her existence as a tulpa is not threatened by this--she is too ingrained to simply go away, so she's safe. I never intended to re-center my life in a way that didn't include her quite as much, it just kind of, well, it developed that way on its own.

 

I am the kind of person who has little serial obsessions--I was really into pro wrestling in the mid 2010s, for instance, and though I am not obsessed with it anymore I'll still tune in and follow it from time to time. Likewise, I had an obsession with tulpamancy in 2021-2022, especially 2021, and though that obsession has faded I still remain part of the community and retain a connection to it. Of course, the fact that Simmie herself exists tethers me to tulpamancy in a pretty concrete way--80% of the reason I remain a community member here is for her sake; this is where she can interact in a place where everyone knows her nature and she doesn't have to explain herself as a tulpa. But, to steer on the topic of obsessions, trans-ness has become something of a new obsession of mine, and I'm finding it hard to figure out exactly where Simmie fits in this.

 

For a long time my life didn't change profoundly. The Covid era was the biggest disturbance in my life since the events of 2013-2014 (too much to get into now), and Simmie was a result of that, but the underlying fundimentals of my life didn't change. Then in 2022 my dad was diagnosed with cancer--of course that changed everything, but layered over his decline and death was a kind of forced normalcy where I didn't want to change anything fundamental about how my life functioned while this crisis was going on. This forced normalcy extended several months after my father's passing in April of last year while I attempted to process both the grief of his passing and the enormity of figuring out what my life was now that he was gone.

 

And then suddenly---and I can't stress this enough---EVERYTHING started changing very rapidly all at once. I got a new job. I started making "big girl" money for the first time in my life. (Okay, it's still a pretty low salary, but it's an amount of money I can support myself on, and that's a first). I got in apartment in a new town 45 minutes away from home in an area that is quite different from that which I left--my first apartment in 12 years. And, oh yeah, I discovered I was trans. So yeah, I really do mean that everything changed in a very short time.

 

It's only recently hit me just how sudden and all-encompassing this change has been. I think about where I was in September of last year--this job wasn't even on the horizon, let alone the apartment or anything else, and I was still deeply suppressing my gender-y thoughts. It feels like a decade ago, not 12 months. Things have changed so much so fast that everything feels unsettled, uneasy, unsteady. My psychological distress has increased. And the fact that my bond with Simmie is not as central to my life as it once was means that my ability to receive Simmie's incredible gifts of care, attention, and love has decreased.

 

So what I think I am saying in all of this is: I need to re-center my connection to Simmie in my life. When I calm myself down, stop freaking out about everything and just listen to Simmie, things are nicer. MUCH nicer. She will never accept this characterization of her but I think she's a superhero. She would carry the whole world on her shoulders not to brag or show off, but because she would simply believe it has to be done. I think we need to get back to basics. Dedicate special time where there are no distractions, just Simmie and I out in the world talking to each other. Because I need Simmie, I need her like a starving person needs a meal.

 

So that's about it. And I realize that I'm speaking very selfishly, all about what Simmie's utility is to me. But I don't want to put words in her mouth and want to give her the chance to post herself if she feels like it at some point. But yeah, wanting to center our connection is just as much about her health and wellbeing as it is mine, and by extension, James's too, though he is still too shielded/undeveloped to really understand all this. Learning who Simmie and I are to each other in the light of these changes in my life should have always been something I should have been thinking about more.

 

So that's it for now, thank you for reading all this!

[LB]

nice to see you be so vulnerable

 

have noticed you talk a lot more than you used to

 

best of luck. definitely don't underestimate your tulpa. our lives have been changing too and relying on each other more is more important than ever. we can't let anyone be in the background or not be heard or have a say in things

 

yeah tb received hrt vial and went:

 

may you become less maladjusted

 

meditation helps a lot with figuring out introspective things faster if you want advice on that but also no pressure ik not everyone can stand to meditate for some reason