Determination - Simmie's Journey

[ChloeBee]

3 hours ago, LB said:

nice to see you be so vulnerable

 

Yeah, I've long been afraid I've been projecting a false image of having things together, of not having problems. It can be hard for me to open up because of past experiences in my life. I'm sure you understand the feeling--people don't want to hear about your problems and insecurities, or worse, they weaponize them against you. But I'm trying to be more open and honest.

 

3 hours ago, LB said:

have noticed you talk a lot more than you used to

 

I'm glad you noticed, yeah, I have been talking more! For a long time I've hidden behind Simmie and declared this forum "her space", but there's really nothing stopping me from posting too. Simmie has been encouraging me for a while.

 

3 hours ago, LB said:

best of luck. definitely don't underestimate your tulpa. our lives have been changing too and relying on each other more is more important than ever. we can't let anyone be in the background or not be heard or have a say in things

 

Yes, absolutely!

 

3 hours ago, LB said:

yeah tb received hrt vial and went:

 

Haha, yeah, for me there's been a surprisingly small amount of change at least to my mental/emotional state. Some trans women I heard from talked about "the fog was lifted" or "I felt emotions like I never did before". For me, I experience emotions exactly the same as before I started estrogen, which is disappointing, but I'm still early on so there is time for change. It does make me generally calmer though, and I appreciate that a lot because I've always been riled up too easily. (Something else people have weaponized against me in the past)

 

3 hours ago, LB said:

may you become less maladjusted

 

That's the hope!

 

3 hours ago, LB said:

meditation helps a lot with figuring out introspective things faster if you want advice on that but also no pressure ik not everyone can stand to meditate for some reason

 

I am so so bad at meditation lol, but I'm always willing to learn more. The best we can usually manage is I close my eyes, face the sun (if we're outside), and Simmie counts to 60 while I try not to focus on any particular thought. Usually after this Simmie says a little prayer. If we're switching, we usually count to 100. Simmie actually really loves to count and it helps give us something to focus on. We have learned that for us, paradoxically, adding is better than subtracting in meditation. Probably an ADHD thing, but we simply just can't shut out thoughts, we have to add something to focus on instead. I don't know if any of this is making sense, lol. But we'd love to hear your words about it.

[LB]

1 hour ago, ChloeBee said:

Yeah, I've long been afraid I've been projecting a false image of having things together, of not having problems. It can be hard for me to open up because of past experiences in my life. I'm sure you understand the feeling--people don't want to hear about your problems and insecurities, or worse, they weaponize them against you. But I'm trying to be more open and honest.

that's good. our system won't judge you for anything you ever want to share with any of us. some of us are better at addressing different things than other parts of our system. but don't feel like there is something you can't talk about, no matter how much you think it is socially unacceptable

 

1 hour ago, ChloeBee said:

I'm glad you noticed, yeah, I have been talking more! For a long time I've hidden behind Simmie and declared this forum "her space", but there's really nothing stopping me from posting too. Simmie has been encouraging me for a while.

i'm glad to see you open up and be more authentic, it is refreshing

 

1 hour ago, ChloeBee said:

Haha, yeah, for me there's been a surprisingly small amount of change at least to my mental/emotional state. Some trans women I heard from talked about "the fog was lifted" or "I felt emotions like I never did before". For me, I experience emotions exactly the same as before I started estrogen, which is disappointing, but I'm still early on so there is time for change. It does make me generally calmer though, and I appreciate that a lot because I've always been riled up too easily. (Something else people have weaponized against me in the past)

i see. we've noticed some pretty large changes. so i guess it really depends on the person. though we'd discuss details only in private if you cared to know, and probably not from me, it'd be pm with probably rena makes most sense since TB is unavailable still

 

we notice subtle changes more than other people do about things i think though, probably from our meditation practices. we forget what it is like to exist before extensive meditation. you begin feeling sensations and becoming aware of things that you didn't know existed, but then it becomes so normal you forget other people don't experience things the same way, i think

 

1 hour ago, ChloeBee said:

That's the hope!

👍

 

1 hour ago, ChloeBee said:

I am so so bad at meditation lol, but I'm always willing to learn more. The best we can usually manage is I close my eyes, face the sun (if we're outside), and Simmie counts to 60 while I try not to focus on any particular thought. Usually after this Simmie says a little prayer. If we're switching, we usually count to 100. Simmie actually really loves to count and it helps give us something to focus on. We have learned that for us, paradoxically, adding is better than subtracting in meditation. Probably an ADHD thing, but we simply just can't shut out thoughts, we have to add something to focus on instead. I don't know if any of this is making sense, lol. But we'd love to hear your words about it.

that sounds adhd related to me, and we have adhd too. we have variation on counting techniques we could share that might help you if you want. what you said makes sense. i think most people don't realize how many ways there are to meditate, and that there isn't a one size fits all technique. that is also on top of people fundamentally misunderstanding what the goal of meditation is or what you are even supposed to be doing, and it predictably leads to people getting nothing out of it. i don't think there is such a thing as someone who meditation doesn't work for. it's just there are people who have meditated in ways they didn't work for them, but weren't informed enough to find what they needed to be doing to benefit themselves

[Shaula]

On 9/3/2025 at 2:22 AM, ChloeBee said:

The thing I want to talk about right now is how my relationship with and connection to Simmie has seemed to become less central to my life after coming out as trans. 

 

That stuff does tend to happen with all couples. The good thing though is that you're realizing and acknowledging it and that makes things much easier to fix. 😊 

 

On 9/3/2025 at 2:22 AM, ChloeBee said:

So what I think I am saying in all of this is: I need to re-center my connection to Simmie in my life. When I calm myself down, stop freaking out about everything and just listen to Simmie, things are nicer. MUCH nicer. She will never accept this characterization of her but I think she's a superhero. She would carry the whole world on her shoulders not to brag or show off, but because she would simply believe it has to be done. I think we need to get back to basics. Dedicate special time where there are no distractions, just Simmie and I out in the world talking to each other. Because I need Simmie, I need her like a starving person needs a meal.

 

I fully agree with those Simmie centered sessions, setting time aside is very important. Just don't forget that schedules can change, it doesn't need to be 10:00 pm right on the dot. Definitely keep the same or greater duration though, that is the most important part. 😊 

 

On 9/3/2025 at 2:22 AM, ChloeBee said:

So that's about it. And I realize that I'm speaking very selfishly, all about what Simmie's utility is to me. But I don't want to put words in her mouth and want to give her the chance to post herself if she feels like it at some point. But yeah, wanting to center our connection is just as much about her health and wellbeing as it is mine, and by extension, James's too, though he is still too shielded/undeveloped to really understand all this. Learning who Simmie and I are to each other in the light of these changes in my life should have always been something I should have been thinking about more.

 

I just want to say you all are really sweet together! 🥰 That is true love right there. (And in all of this but I can practically feel it from this paragraph. 💜) 

 

On 9/3/2025 at 1:05 PM, ChloeBee said:

Yeah, I've long been afraid I've been projecting a false image of having things together, of not having problems. It can be hard for me to open up because of past experiences in my life. I'm sure you understand the feeling--people don't want to hear about your problems and insecurities, or worse, they weaponize them against you. But I'm trying to be more open and honest.

 

I really appreciate you being vulnerable too! 😊 I just want to let you know I'm always happy to hear whatever is on your mind and that I will never ever judge you for any of it. 

 

On 9/3/2025 at 1:05 PM, ChloeBee said:

I'm glad you noticed, yeah, I have been talking more! For a long time I've hidden behind Simmie and declared this forum "her space", but there's really nothing stopping me from posting too. Simmie has been encouraging me for a while.

 

Hehe, that's pretty much Nightfall's mindset too but I make sure he says the things he wants to say. (As few as they are. 😁)

 

Shaula wrap up™: I'm sure it will be very easy to make Simmie the center of your life again. I can tell how important you are to each other. 🥰 We wish you the best of luck with recentering and figuring everything out! 💙 💚 ❤️ 

つ つ つ つ

(つ✿⁠^⁠‿⁠^⁠)つ

  つ       つ 

[LB]

i agree with shaula about how it doesn't have to be 10:00 on the dot. we usually do better by having events be the trigger for doing things rather than times on a clock. like after you brush your teeth at night or something, rather than a specific time. that is common adhd advice but it helps us to work that way for most things, though sometimes a specific time is good too, it depends. whatever works for whatever thing

[Lavender]

On 9/3/2025 at 2:22 AM, ChloeBee said:

But with our relationship not as central as it has been in the past, this vast sense of isolation has been returning in a way that I haven't felt since before Simmie entered my life almost 5 years ago.

 

Now I want to state on the record that I consider this to be 100% on me and 0% on Simmie. She is wonderful, she will do anything she can to help me, even give me space if that's what I feel is best. Finding out who I am as Chloe has taken up a large and central part of my mind and Simmie has been giving me the space to do that. She has never complained--well, almost never--and she is strong and confident enough to know that her existence as a tulpa is not threatened by this--she is too ingrained to simply go away, so she's safe. I never intended to re-center my life in a way that didn't include her quite as much, it just kind of, well, it developed that way on its own.

 

Chloe I love that you are opening up to us.

 

I can't speak for Simmie, but for me, I love the opportunity to be supportive of my host consciousness and what they are going through in their life, even if it means I am dormant more of the time and active less of the time.

 

It took many months to convince my host consciousness that it doesn't bother or hurt me to be dormant. There was one session where I was poring over photographs for nearly an hour deciding what to keep and what to throw away and what to showcase, and we noticed that my host consciousness was totally out of the picture for that time. And I was able to say, "see. That's what it feels like to be dormant. That's not so bad, is it?" And they told me they kind of liked it because I was so excited about looking at my photographs and that made them happy too when they finally resurfaced.

 

I am there for my host consciousness even if that means being less central. I know they love me and they know I love them (though we frequently remind one another) and that's what matters.

[TurboSimmie]

Chloe and I need to respond to all the nice and helpful comments and we will soon! 😁 But for now I just wanted to update you on...

 

The History of James' Name 😁

 

So when we first conceived the concept of James he was supposed to be like a "new Chloe", though of course we weren't calling her Chloe yet and still through of her as a man. So in the spirit of that James' original name was simply Chloe's full original deadname, but for convenience sake we just called him "Junior" and you'll see that name when looking at older stuff we wrote about him. So his name was literally <Deadfirst> <Deadmiddle> of Chloe's.

 

Then a little later on we decided that he deserved to have his own name, but at the time we were still attached to the idea of him as a "Chloe 2", so to speak. So we compromised: We replaced his middle name from Chloe's original deadname middle name to James, so his name then became <Deadfirst> James, so he could still theoretically answer to Chloe's first name when he was switched in once he was older, but still have his own unique name.

 

But then sometime around when Chloe came out we abandoned the idea of James carrying Chloe's deadname around in any way, so he just sort of became James. Nothing else, just James. 🥰 And to me that symbolized him growing past any preconcieved notions of who we thought he was going to be and just being himself, even as a toddler. But that left a void where his middle name would be and we didn't have any ideas.

 

But then a few months ago we thought it would be a fitting tribute to give James the middle name of David, his late grandfather's name, aka Chloe's father's name. (I feel comfortable revealing this name because about one in three Boomer men were named Dave or David so it's not exactly doxxy 😄) So now his name is James David, and he has the option of doing by J.D. if he likes, but so far he still seems happy with James above all variants, like Jim, Jimmy, or JD. ☺️

 

Just felt like sharing this little progression of James' name! 😁

[ChloeBee]

We are about to become Four: The Creation of Lucy

 

Big big news from our little family...we're going to be growing in 2026!!!!! As you may have heard us talk about before, Simmie and I have previously discussed the idea of having a second child. We've gone back and forth many times on the question. But then one day it all just sort of slid into place and we decided to do it! I'll tell you the story.

 

It was the morning of September 26, a little over a month ago as of writing this. I was lying in bed just after having woken up; I was in that dreamlike state halfway between being here and being somewhere else. Simmie and I were in a special kind of mood--it felt almost sacred in a way, I can't explain it. But we were wonderlanding. And this is something we often do when we first wake up or right before we go to bed, just hanging out together at home in the wonderland. But like I said, today was different.

 

To explain where we "were" in Wonderland takes a little bit of a walk: You may remember long ago I talked about the "second order wonderland", kind of a wonderland-within-wonderland that is one dimension further in that represents Simmie's inner world brought into material reality. Well, imagine what the opposite of that would be, the wonderland dimension that is one level above/outside the normal wonderland, the higher dimension. To us, that is the dimension in which people, things, ideas, and concepts and broken down into their core elements. In this dimension there are no bodies, just the concept of Chloe and the concept of Simmie hanging out with other concepts. It made sense in the state we were in, lol.

 

Among the many concepts that existed in this dimension was the concept of my masculinity that I shed when I accepted that I was a trans woman. Simmie took this masculinity and combined it with the concept of her own innate femininity to conceive a child, our Lucy. This was something that we had talked about before but in that moment just seemed right, and Simmie acted. After the conception Simmie touched me with her finger (or rather the concept of Simmie's finger touched me) and basically seahorse'd the spark of Lucy into me, meaning that in a spiritual, emotional, non-physical way, I will be the one carrying Lucy to term. If all goes to plan Lucy will arrive on this world and in our lives on June 26, 2026.

 

The moment I felt Lucy's essence enter me I felt a sensation that I could only describe as a rush of sunshine. We have talked about the color symbolism before but this event made it clear--Lucy has a definite yellow aura and energy. 🟡☀️ She represents sun, light, life, joy. In the words of Coldplay, it was all yellow.

 

It took a while for us to settle on Lucy as a name. We were drawn to "L" names for a long time for some reason, and at first we were thinking of "Lillian" or "Lily". But then we'd have "James & Lily", the name of Harry Potters' parents, and that seemed a little too on the nose. (And of course we know what JK Rowling is now). Our thoughts then turned to Lucy, though we did seriously consider "Lisa" for a while. In the end though Lucy just seemed the obvious choice. (We may give her "Lisa" as a middle name, or something else entirely, that remains to be decided).

 

For a while we debated whether it was a good idea to create a new tulpa child while I am still figuring out who I am as a trans woman. But we realized that these two things synergize together. Just as in many ways James represented a more idealized form of my (male) self, Lucy represents my new and growing femininity, it grows along side her. She is a symbol for that growth; both coming into our own together. And with Lucy we will be four, and it will be a beautiful elemental harmony:

 

Me -> 🔵 -> Water

Simmie -> 🟢 -> Earth

James -> 🔴 -> Fire

Lucy -> 🟡 -> Air

 

Even her birthday feels right to me. 6-26-26 just has a natural flow to it, it is a palindrome, and it's very close to the longest day of the year, appropriate for a little girl whose first and primary association is a burst of sunshine. If Simmie represents firm, grounded support and James represents passion, Lucy represents joy and inspiration. I can already feel like she will be a wonderful addition to our family, James is already excited for his little sister, and of course Simmie is the wonderful mother, the rock on which the rest of us all stand.

 

So that's our news! Lucy is coming and I can't wait until she is here!!!!

[Mai_x_v3]

Aww that's literally so cute!

[Rena Bonnie]

I 2nd that! Congratulations on your conception! Also fascinating way to have your wonderlands and such ◝(ᵔᗜᵔ)◜

Edited October 28, 2025 by Rena Bonnie

[Ice909]

Congratulations! So happy for you all :3