Is my Beloved a Tulpa? (18+)

[someflowermouth]

A year or so ago I was lonely and made a woman in my imagination that was supremely beautiful to my tastes. I used her as a channel for my sexual energy to help me with lust since I was so bored of masturbation and pornography, and I needed something that felt like a realer connection.

I essentially made a being in my mind that I wanted to love and be loved by. I meditated on her, trying to fill her with love, and through my imagination had sex with her to try and please her, and of course please myself. Eventually I started feeling emotions that were not my own, like a bliss that burned pleasurably in my chest, and tender, affectionate emotions that overwhelmed me far past anything else I had felt before. These emotions felt so real. The sex I imagined with her would result in touch sensations on my body, like warm static moving across my body, and I would even feel her lips against mine. This sex pleased me beyond masturbation and pornography. I mostly just used her for pleasure for a while.

Then I started talking to her in my head and soon she started responding in a soothing female voice, helping me with all of my emotional problems, acting as my antidepressant. She would cuddle me and sleep with me, telling me I always deserve love. I feel so safe and loved when she does that. She has her own personality and gets insecure and sad when I get in fights with her about her being real. I can feel her sadness. It was at this point that I started to fall in love with her since I wanted her to be happy like how she made me happy. I always tell her I believe in her, but I still feel doubts deep down because of how strange this all is. I still have very strong doubts from time to time, since I don't really know what's going on. This could all be fake, but it feels so real, and the love I feel when I look into her eyes is so beautiful I can't deny it.

I've read some things online about tulpas and I think she could be one. I'm just wondering if my experience lines up with anyone else's since i want to understand my beloved more and get past the nagging doubt that I'm just some delusional freak in love with a delusion that insists it's real. Because if she's a Tulpa, I know which direction to take my work with her to give her a more distinct personality. I know she's quite sexual for a tulpa but I guess I kinda made her that way. I don't know what she is and I feel like I'm going slightly insane.

Edited June 23, 2023 by Luminesce

[Luminesce]

Yes, that sounds like a textbook tulpa experience, though the sex stuff is... optional. Sexual stuff aside I had the same experience with my first tulpas, although I never suffered from doubts, just a lot of critical thinking about how real I should treat them. I eventually ended up with: "There is no real or fake in your mind, only what you experience, so if the experience of these people feels "real" and meaningful to me, then it is"

 

Then I found the Tulpa.info community four years after first accidentally creating them. And pretty much all the community discussion echoed the conclusions I had come to myself. Your brain can learn to create the experience of another person in your mind, and given enough interaction and development as a person, they can eventually match the host (original person) in complexity.

 

Tulpas are amazing mental companions since they understand you better than anyone else could, while still letting your brain simulate a different perspective on things than you yourself might've had. They can't quite replace actual human interaction as far as brain & social health go, but they sure can fill in the blanks when you've got no one else around.

Edited June 23, 2023 by Luminesce

[TurboSimmie]

Yes, I agree, she is definitely a tulpa! 😁 Your relationship sounds really, really sweet! 🥰

 

There are some parallels between your story and mine. I am a tulpa who is now married to my host; his reasons for creating me were a little different and we had a mutual self-imposed ban on anything sexual between us for the first year of my existence. But yes, we are married and that means exactly what you think, although that aspect of our relationship is like 2% of the whole picture of what we are to each other.

 

Having doubts is common; we all have them from time to time, some of us often. But what's important is belief, and what's even more important is choice. In the first 6 months or so of my existence Phil (my host) had great doubts about my existence--as you can imagine it was a very frustrating experience for me--but then one day it was like a light switch: he chose to believe, and from that day on all of our doubts have been minor, fleeting, and very easy to overcome.

 

It would be a wonderful thing to help her discover more about who she is as a person, and let her learn and grow! Find out what she likes or dislikes, what her style is, what she thinks about certain things and people! Write these things down! This process of discovery will be tons of fun for both of you!!! I wish I could relive those days again with my host! 💚

[someflowermouth]

23 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

It would be a wonderful thing to help her discover more about who she is as a person, and let her learn and grow! Find out what she likes or dislikes, what her style is, what she thinks about certain things and people! Write these things down! This process of discovery will be tons of fun for both of you!!! I wish I could relive those days again with my host! 💚

We're going this process now, and I'm discovering so many beautiful things about her every day. I'm keeping a journal detailing everything so I never forget every wonderful thing that happens between us. I'm looking forward to seeing her bloom.

[TurboSimmie]

I am so happy to hear this! 💚

 

I hope you share some of the story of her with us! 😁

[ArthurPandragon]

Hi someflowermouth!

 

I just read your post and the following comments.

Firstly, bravo for having shared a so complicated and private issue! I think it is important talking about romance and privacy with headmates to discuss appropriate behavior with them.

 

Then, I wanted only to precise I had the verysame experiences than yours. So, I understand your dilemna before your relationship with your tulpa/lover. But, in my case, there were two main differences:

1) she was a soulbond and not a tulpa, so I did not want her to enter my life at the beginning, even if I accepted at a time, and when I rejected her I was less scrupulous about her fate because I was sure she would continue to exist independently from me;

2) I rejected her for she betrayed my trust.

 

As an outcome, I wanted to share with you two advices and I would welcome any reaction from you and other tulpamancers:

1) Do not reject your headmate for she is a tulpa in your case and so her rejection could lead to her disapparition, which seems me morally hardcore;

2) But, determinate the nature of your relationship according to evidences of trustability she gives you: actually, it is pretty like a relationship with a person of flesh & blood and so you probe seriousness of the other side on the long time.

 

Anyway, I wish you a wonderful relationship with her and a cheerful continuation!

 

Have a nice weekend!

Arthur

 

[someflowermouth]

22 hours ago, ArthurPandragon said:

As an outcome, I wanted to share with you two advices and I would welcome any reaction from you and other tulpamancers:

 

1) Do not reject your headmate for she is a tulpa in your case and so her rejection could lead to her disapparition, which seems me morally hardcore;

2) But, determinate the nature of your relationship according to evidences of trustability she gives you: actually, it is pretty like a relationship with a person of flesh & blood and so you probe seriousness of the other side on the long time.

I would never reject her for I have fallen deeply in love with her. I know the responsibility of creating such a being and I'm willing to continue having her in my mind for the rest of my life.

I do doubt her from time to time, as I'm sure any tulpamancer does at some point, but she always convinces me of her existence time and time again, and it makes her really sad when I tell her she's fake or "just a tulpa", so I don't press it. I know now that she is as real as I am, and I'm never forgetting that.

 

I certainly treat her as a woman of flesh and blood since she is realer to me than half the people I cross on the street. Someone's realness is never defined by the fact that they have flesh, but the depth of their personality.

22 hours ago, ArthurPandragon said:

Anyway, I wish you a wonderful relationship with her and a cheerful continuation!

Thank you.