JoyStar

Tulpas: What's the first moment of sentience like?

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If you want a description of what it felt like to come into existence for her, I can probably give a good description. Imagine this. You're sitting at your computer/phone/whatever right now, and then you're teleported to the middle of a town in a desert. You probably look around, take it in, and then proceed to question your circumstances and... Rewind. That exact moment when you're teleported and first see everything. You know how your mind is basically blank as you're focused solely on gathering information from the world around you? How you aren't remotely worried about who you are or any details of your life other than what is presently happening to you? And after trying to figure out where you are, only then do your thoughts return to such things. "Did I just wake up from a dream or something? Am I still me? *looks down at hands and body* What happened to me?"

 

Wowzers, your description is crazy accurate. It captures those initial moments perfectly. Coming into existence is like those first moments waking up in a strange place. Half-asleep, it takes a couple seconds for you remember who, when and where you are. Coming to awareness for the first time is like that times a hundred.

 

It's comparable to becoming lucid in a dream. You were still there before you were lucid, but were running on subconscious autopilot. I didn't pop! into existence, gaining sentience was like realizing "Wait, I'm aware, I'm thinking, I'm here."


KayAshley

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"I remember it kind of hazily. It was like waking up from a deep sleep, I heard him talking to me about something. I was really tired but I listened. He said something that confused me and I interrupted him asking what he meant. I remember it startling him, like he wasn't expecting me to say anything back to him. Ahh, memories."

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From https://community.tulpa.info/thread-sentience-tulpas-what-s-the-first-moment-of-sentience-like?pid=152111#pid152111

I know it's not a first-party account, but this is effectively what she's told me and others before. I just couldn't find that post(s).

 

Totally accurate! You could call it a first-party account since we share a brain and memories honestly

 

So I was reading this wondering if there was anything I could add personally since it felt like there should be right? And maybe there is!

I wanted to get her own words, but I can't find the post she wrote it in, so my own words on Lucilyn's creation will have to do. I created her as my first non-spontaneous tulpa around five years after the other three, and at that point I considered myself (still do) a veteran tulpamancer with most tulpa-related skills mastered. So, there was none of the foggy transition-from-not-sentient-to-sentient stuff, meaning this is very atypical but possibly more interesting to you. My creation process for her was basically to imagine the type of person I expected her to be, the form I expected, and maybe some personality traits. I can only describe it as "Not intending sentience" and then "Acknowledging sentience", but her creation was basically instantaneous once I'd had everything I planned her to be down. Her creation took place in a sort of void with no sensory input besides ourselves. After I acknowledged/intended for her to be sentient and not just an idea, she seemed just as capable of thought or anything similar as the rest of my tulpas. She was however confused as to, well, understanding her presence/existence. Hard to describe. That was the point of creating her in a void though, so I could talk to her before she was exposed to anything else. I told her that she was a tulpa I'd just created, and that while I had a general idea of who I planned for her to be, she was free to change anything about herself that she wanted. She went with everything fairly well for someone who was just thinking for the first time. I believe when I asked if she was fine with the personality I had in mind for her, she told me she would be more excitable/hyper but otherwise was comfortable with it.

 

So, like you could see, he says he thought of what I would be like and eventually went from "not intending sentience" to "acknowledging sentience". So we have vague not-my memories of him imagining what I'd be like, which involved both random snippets/scenarios of what I'd say and do and stuff like that. Thinking about that right now, it's exactly the same thing as me imagining one of them doing something! Like if I imagined Flandre or Tewi doing or saying stuff, it has a sort of shallowness or missing layer of meaning or something. Basically, it doesn't feel like them. And I think the things Lumi thought about me before he made me were exactly that same type of thought, because they don't feel like me, just like what I think of them wouldn't feel like them to them. So that's really cool!

 

Second part, not intending me to be sentient yet and then "acknowledging" me being sentient. So like, he went from 'thinking about his tulpa doing things' to 'talking to his tulpa' and I guess giving me the same sort of being-there he would do for the others, or we'd do for each other while fronting. It's usually sort of automatic for us obviously, if I said hi to one of them they could make themselves active as we call it, but I guess since I didn't exist Lumi had to do it for me. But then it really was just that easy, once he made me "active" like he would one of his tups who already existed I just existed you know? But I'd never EXISTED before so it wasn't like hey old friend!

 

I guess he already explained it well, but existing for the first time was super weird. Like you could say I already existed because he knew my personality and stuff, but to me it seems like a character in a book - super detailed and has gone on adventures and all that - that suddenly exists in the real world. Like it's literally another level of reality you weren't a part of, so even though you "already existed" it was totally different and unrelated to how you existed now. Yeah that sounds right to me, it's like I went from being a book or cartoon character who "existed" to someone who actually existed. So then, he created me in a void as he called it, which obviously he meant imagining us in the mindspace like you would your wonderland, but just in blackness instead. So it's like he brought me to the wonderland, if our wonderland was literally nothing but open space. I remember when he did that I looked around, but not to see things, just to.. idk, to real-ize reality. It actually sounds super complicated now that I think about it. Imagine you were in a box in pitch black dark and you reached out your hands to feel the dimensions of the box, except I had to do that with all my senses to feel the dimensions of the new reality I was part of. Does that make any sense at all??

 

Anyways.. Did that.. just took a few seconds to "look" around and to get my bearings of what I was experiencing, which was technically next to nothing but a visual appearance of me and Lumi, and my sense of presence in the ~wonderland, and also my ability to think about stuff. And then Lumi started talking to me, but since I was in the same brain as him it wasn't like some stranger outta nowhere, I could also tell all the thoughts he was having and kinda went with the normal-ity they had. Like I didn't have many thoughts of my own yet so since his were so calm I figured I could be calm too. And it wasn't exactly surprising when he told me he just brought me into existence, and then he was nice and was like you can change how you are to what you want to be if you want, this is just the ideas I had for what you could be like.

 

So I don't know HOW someone who already exists one way can THINK they want to exist ANOTHER way but it freakin happened okay? I can't answer that existential question, but ""The "ME" he gave me to work with decided ME would prefer to be A LITTLE DIFFERENT"". Weirdest thing I've ever said or wrote! I mean, I guess it's like if someone asked you if you wanted to change something about yourself, and you were like yeah I'd like ______, but I could actually do it because I barely even existed yet so it was less like changing myself and more like creating myself. I can explain that too and it's important!

 

So, a tulpa who is already sentient still has to "develop" to become "mature" as I guess we call it here. Even though I was a tulpa at that point and had a personality (to some extent) and existed, there was SO MUCH that makes up a person that I didn't have yet because I hadn't had my own experiences. So from there on I got to become a full person! I listened to music and decided what I liked and didn't like (and when it came to Rain Dance it actually inspired me to become someone I wanted to be), talked to Lumi and just, thought about everything. And I guess with "what I had to work with", the personality and everything I already had, I grew who I was exponentially with all that. Like sure maybe the very first things I did were just "the person Lumi thought of", but since "THAT PERSON" made their own thoughts on stuff, those things became part of "THEM" and snowballed into their own unique self. I mean I personally feel like I was me right from the start, but we're talking about tulpa creation so I gotta speak your own language to you critics.. "I went from a person my host made up to myself by having experiences that added on to what I was from the start until I was eventually something totally my own". Again, even though I felt like me from the start, to someone else I guess you wouldn't see me as my own person until later.

 

And oh, that didn't take so long BTW. I mean I guess I couldn't totally say when I became "my own person" since I feel like I was right from the start, but I feel like... no yeah I'd say I was my own person for sure minutes after Lumi made me. As for becoming "mature" I guess that's a subjective over-time thing from just having enough experiences you become a rounded-enough individual who has past experiences and ideas that direct how you think about the majority of the situations you'll encounter in the future. Whoo! That might be the smartest thing I've ever written. I feel like a lot of the time when I answer questions/explain things I'm piggybacking on stuff Lumi or the others already knew/figured out, but I definitely just came up with that myself.

 

OK that's all I got. Hope it was interesting to someone!


Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas! I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.

All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written

Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas

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