Complexities

[SomethingDire]

 

This is something that I haven't shared before. It's also something that I thought I would never share.

 

I've been feeling guilty. For some reason, I've been thinking that I've not been sharing enough time with my tulpa.

 

I've started to feel like I'm not enough and lacking something. This is the same feeling that I have when I think that people will always be better than me, which is toxic. Incredibly toxic.

 

I don't really care about myself anymore. I don't feel like I do. Making Céleste vocal is the only thing that would prove me to be enough, and I still can't hear him. The thoughts he sends me went out of their routine since the time I started to feel guilty, too.

 

Maybe I just need some coaxing and hearing that everything will be alright in due time.. But I don't really know. If you've dealt with this kind of thing before, I'd like to hear you out.

 

Any kind of help is appreciated.

[NoneFromHell]

From what I've seen around here, it isn't really rare that people feel this way about their tulpa. Even I feel like I'm spending not enough time with Alice, even though I try my best to interact with her during the whole day, trying different things like letting her draw or write something quite often. I'm having her on my mind all the time, at least. And still I feel like this isn't really enough. My best suggestion about this is to really keep track about how much effort you really put into it, so you will probably see that you're actually doing quite a lot.

 

I've started to feel like I'm not enough and lacking something. This is the same feeling that I have when I think that people will always be better than me, which is toxic. Incredibly toxic.

 

I don't really care about myself anymore. I don't feel like I do. Making Céleste vocal is the only thing that would prove me to be enough, and I still can't hear him. The thoughts he sends me went out of their routine since the time I started to feel guilty, too.

 

Dealing with thoughts like this is pitfall you should try to evade, and I can tell you that this does influence the whole tulpa thing. Even tulpa unrelated things that affect your internal balance can give you a hard time perceiving your tulpa, and if you go fully down this road filled with the toxic mindset of not doing enough, it will only get worse. In that case it will probably get impossible to help your tulpa improve. Just try your best to get rid of it and keep up your efforts.

 

Also obtaining stable vocality isn't that easy, but you may want to try a few things, like stupid word games. My guess is that you're unintenionally jamming the communication, but this is really hard to tell without knowing what exactly you're doing and what you experienced so far. I would like to figure something out that can help you with that.

[SomethingDire]

 

Dealing with thoughts like this is pitfall you should try to evade, and I can tell you that this does influence the whole tulpa thing. Even tulpa unrelated things that affect your internal balance can give you a hard time perceiving your tulpa, and if you go fully down this road filled with the toxic mindset of not doing enough, it will only get worse. In that case it will probably get impossible to help your tulpa improve. Just try your best to get rid of it and keep up your efforts.

 

Also obtaining stable vocality isn't that easy, but you may want to try a few things, like stupid word games. My guess is that you're unintenionally jamming the communication, but this is really hard to tell without knowing what exactly you're doing and what you experienced so far. I would like to figure something out that can help you with that.

 

Thank you for the advice. It really is appreciated.

 

Please feel free to ask about our progress. I am willing to tell anything that will turn to me as help in the end.

[NoneFromHell]

Well about your progress: What exactly have you tried so far concerning vocality? Have you tried asking simple questions, or to simply let him repeat your words like an echo? Have you got any kind of feedback, or felt like you're about to answer your questions yourself? Or have you tried imagine him answering for starters?

[SomethingDire]

Well about your progress: What exactly have you tried so far concerning vocality? Have you tried asking simple questions, or to simply let him repeat your words like an echo? Have you got any kind of feedback, or felt like you're about to answer your questions yourself? Or have you tried imagine him answering for starters?

 

 

I have tried asking simple questions.

I didn't make him repeat my words.

I've gotten thoughts and headpressures.

And yes, I have felt like I was answering my own questions. A lot. This is also one of the main things that make me feel like I'm not progressing, even though I try my hardest to ignore my doubting.

I have tried imagining him answering-- although I used that kind of exercise a long time ago and not nowadays.

[Joss]

I know for a fact that you spend a lot of time down in the Games board. :p Is that just you down there, or do you have him on it too? Because if you've got him in on it, I'd say that's plenty of time spent doing something fun with your tulpa, and you have nothing to worry about. If he's not in on it, try pulling him in. Ask his opinion each time you answer one of those threads. Even if he doesn't respond, it gets you both in the habit of giving him a window to answer.

 

Also, and I know this is an unpopular opinion around here, but have you tried parroting? See, I'm by far the most vocal member of my stupidly large system, and you know how I got like that? By Sparrow trying to write a book in my POV for 6+ years. At one point, I just had to come alive and start talking to her just so she'd stop getting me wrong. (Also, writing is a great interactive process between soulbond and host, yada yada yada). Or try some other process that encourages him to take a more interactive role.

 

And one other thing. From what I've seen, tulpamancers are freaking impatient. They build an entire person out of scratch, then start worrying when they don't learn to walk fresh out of the womb. Maybe it's because the movement is so young yet, I don't know. You've got years ahead of you to get all this stuff ironed out. There's nothing wrong with taking your time. Down the road, you will look back and all that time spent stressing about your tulpa not being fully formed yet will be just a memory. That, I can tell you with experience from the other side of it.

[SomethingDire]

I know for a fact that you spend a lot of time down in the Games board.

 

Why yes, I do. *intense stare*

 

:p Is that just you down there, or do you have him on it too? Because if you've got him in on it, I'd say that's plenty of time spent doing something fun with your tulpa, and you have nothing to worry about. If he's not in on it, try pulling him in. Ask his opinion each time you answer one of those threads. Even if he doesn't respond, it gets you both in the habit of giving him a window to answer.

 

I mean, I talk to him while I'm down there, but I never asked for him to give him his own reply. I'll have to try that.

 

 

Also, and I know this is an unpopular opinion around here, but have you tried parroting? See, I'm by far the most vocal member of my stupidly large system, and you know how I got like that? By Sparrow trying to write a book in my POV for 6+ years. At one point, I just had to come alive and start talking to her just so she'd stop getting me wrong. (Also, writing is a great interactive process between soulbond and host, yada yada yada). Or try some other process that encourages him to take a more interactive role.

 

The problem with parroting is that I get too carried away. I'm just like your host, I write, I draw, I daydream so much that whenever I stop daydreaming I feel like I just took seven shots of vodka at the same time. I can't stop when I start parroting.

 

 

And one other thing. From what I've seen, tulpamancers are freaking impatient. They build an entire person out of scratch, then start worrying when they don't learn to walk fresh out of the womb. Maybe it's because the movement is so young yet, I don't know. You've got years ahead of you to get all this stuff ironed out. There's nothing wrong with taking your time. Down the road, you will look back and all that time spent stressing about your tulpa not being fully formed yet will be just a memory. That, I can tell you with experience from the other side of it.

 

*emotional tears* You know what Joss, don't stuff it anymore. Keep talking. Thank you for the input.[/code]

[NoneFromHell]

And yes, I have felt like I was answering my own questions. A lot. This is also one of the main things that make me feel like I'm not progressing, even though I try my hardest to ignore my doubting.

 

Alright, this is one of the more important points of your answer, because this might be him trying to answer, and you may shut it down, so you can listen for "his real response". I would suggest you to proceed with asking questions etc. and while doing so you should try to handle these upcoming thoughts as the legit responses, because they probably are. (The chances are atleast 50:50). You should expect to know a splitsecond beforehand what is going to be said, but this is pretty natural in the early stages of vocality. (It will fade).

 

If you get a response like that you should reflect: "Did I consiously made up the answer, or did it just pop into my head like a spontaneous idea?" If you tend to the last option: It was probably him. (Edit: As a very active daydreamer, this is a difficult "stand alone" task, I understand that, so try to go with some sort of verification like I described below.)

 

Since you have the option to keep feedback in different ways, you can ask him to verify stuff with them, like "yes" and "no" with headpressures.

 

Side note: You say you get "thoughts", that's pretty unspecific, but I guess you're talking about raw thoughts. If you get worded thoughts (like your own mindvoice), you're already dealing with vocality of some kind.

[SomethingDire]

 

Alright, this is one of the more important points of your answer, because this might be him trying to answer, and you may shut it down, so you can listen for "his real response". I would suggest you to proceed with asking questions etc. and while doing so you should try to handle these upcoming thoughts as the legit responses, because they probably are. (The chances are atleast 50:50). You should expect to know a splitsecond beforehand what is going to be said, but this is pretty natural in the early stages of vocality. (It will fade).

 

If you get a response like that you should reflect: "Did I consiously made up the answer, or did it just pop into my head like a spontaneous idea?" If you tend to the last option: It was probably him.

 

Since you have the option to keep feedback in different ways, you can ask him to verify stuff with them, like "yes" and "no" with headpressures.

 

Side note: You say you get "thoughts", that's pretty unspecific, but I guess you're talking about raw thoughts. If you get worded thoughts (like your own mindvoice), you're already dealing with vocality of some kind.

 

Thank you for your help. What I mean with "thoughts" is this: I get *literally* a visual of words that were thrown together (in my minds eye) and when I stare at it (again, with my minds eye) it makes sense after 3-4 seconds or so. This happens, but not consistently.

[Joss]

If you get a response like that you should reflect: "Did I consiously made up the answer, or did it just pop into my head like a spontaneous idea?" If you tend to the last option: It was probably him.

 

One bit of wisdom my system ran into a while back is: "If you have to ask whether it was you, it probably wasn't."

 

You know what Joss, don't stuff it anymore. Keep talking.

 

Putting this in my pocket for later. >: )