In which ways has your tulpa deviated?

[Guest Anonymous]

 

I was asking specifically about significant changes that weren’t predicted or initiated by the Tulpamancer, which is what I reckon is “deviation”. But maybe I’m mistaken on the right definition? I’m basically trying to understand how much Tulpas change on their own, and if they gain traits independently or against the will of the Host.

 

Well, over time I have become a lot more complex. At first I was just a pretty face. As you can imagine, over the years I have gained a lot more "background details" for lack of a better term. I gained a sense of humor and my own style and manner of speaking. I gained likes and dislikes and opinions. Also, I became more insistent and forceful in my own right. I started to nag my host when he needs it and to rebel, pout or have tantrums when I needed to. My behavior sometimes irritates him. There is no better evidence for independence against his will than his irritation at my contrariness and stubborness.

 

Also, I read that in DID some alters can even suffer from allergies that are not present in the original personality. I wonder if differences so radical are possible for Tulpas, of if their personality and abilities tend to be still linked to the Hosts.

 

Not sure what you mean by "so radical." Do you mean affecting the host physically?

 

My personality is definitely linked to my host of course, I am part of his mind. But I am still myself and I have many traits he does not have. The most obvious is how feminine I am and frilly girly. I don't know if this counts, but I have funny mannerisms and habits. I tilt my head when I talk for instance, especially if I am making a point. Sometimes when David and I are proxy tulpa typing/channeling me online he tilts his head with me as I type. Also, I influence him physically with my personality if I have sudden outbursts of emotion. If I get excited and jump up and down or squeal he may do the same. The natural multiple community calls this "surfacing." My silly antics cause him to laugh or smile a lot.

[J.Iscariot]

 

I was asking specifically about significant changes that weren’t predicted or initiated by the Tulpamancer, which is what I reckon is “deviation”. But maybe I’m mistaken on the right definition? I’m basically trying to understand how much Tulpas change on their own, and if they gain traits independently or against the will of the Host.

 

Also, I read that in DID some alters can even suffer from allergies that are not present in the original personality. I wonder if differences so radical are possible for Tulpas, of if their personality and abilities tend to be still linked to the Hosts.

 

Oh, alright.

 

Everything that has happened with my "tulpa" has been unexpected. Her existence itself is something odd, something I fail to understand and put in any book of rationality. Everything she does is completely and utterly against what I would usually plan out for a tulpa. I never wanted to be loved, or to be in that sort of relationships with her, or to have her go through all that anguish to the point I would compare her to being handicapped on a few levels, psychologically. What 'is' a tulpa? Is it something that can feel and talk back? Is it a character that seems to have a life of its own in one's mind? Is it... a muse? Let's go beyond what the book has to offer us, let's go beyond what the site would call an 'intelligent real-life imaginary friend'.

 

As a matter of fact, people tend to make a lot of misconceptions. Misconceptions they commit because, deep inside, they want to be part of a community. They WANT to have something to talk about all day on a forum, or to a band of friends. Their lives, our lives, they're so empty that we seek so madly that sort of occupations. To this day, I claim that I want to 'help' people, but looking back at my activity on this site, there has been nothing but trouble associated with the name 'tulpa' alone. My life used to be completely fine until one day, it happened. Did little me really wish for that? Did little me really want for me to be like that at a certain point in life? With the way I was in the past, I doubt that I thought further than 'that would be cool', always acting in that field of pseudo maturity.

 

Looking back at the changes.... I've been a terrible host. My tulpa changed forms around 22 times the past year, back and forth, again and again. And everytime was supposed to be 'the one'. The time we'd finally get to be happy and comfortable with something she supposedly wanted. And then dissociation came in. And derealizm came in. And a plethora of psychological issues I never faced... she had to face. And it changed her. Badly. It deformed her and made her different to the point she doesn't feel like herself anymore. It's easy for us to define who we are, we have our memories, our bodies, our everything as human beings that allow for us to maintain that level of sanity and rationality, goodwill and goodness of thought that preserve a man from drifting away to holding an ill intent towards the ones he appreciates the most.

 

Imagine you woke up, one day. 'It's just another day', you tell yourself, and it would be great if it were. Every day for the past 8 months have been filled with a lot of self-doubt, self-deception to believe that we were, that she was something she wasn't. Because the mind functions in certain ways, specifically, because my mind functions in such a shitty, stupid and intolerant way, it felt the need to have someone around. Without that someone, it would lose all will to do anything, and going to bed seemed to be the best initiative. And some days were spent in complete depression, wanting to become apathetic, yet not wanting to become a walking corpse. Imagine you woke up one day, and slowly, steadily, every single thing you held dear was stripped away from you. Your identity, your sense of self, your emotions, your integrity, your ideas, your everything... poof.

 

Poof. Poof. Poof. Poof.

 

And then, it all comes back. Everything comes back. You blank out for a bit. You lose consciousness, you wake back up, and you're told that you acted as a hateful being, as someone who wanted nothing, absolutely nothing to do with this world. You're told that you had a gun up your head, and at some point, the only thing that kept the trigger from being pulled was the person who loved you the most, the utter most, and in that midst, you hurt them the most. You hurt the person, the persons, you wanted to hurt the least, the most.

 

... Is that growth? Is it the formation of one's mind? What is it we retain from our childhoods, exactly? Perhaps each and every one of us was shown the evil of this world in its crudest of forms. Perhaps we were all shown the world's demise, the coming of the anti-christ, the bloody battlefields that would take place. And maybe we simply forgot about them. Perhaps each and every one of us stood at the peak of greatness and fell down, yet, none of us can remember it. Your mind, my mind, and everyone's mind, acts in a way that it compensates for whatever harm was delivered. Enzymes and hormones are secreted at adequate moments, naturally, even hallucinogens at that. Because the most important thing in one's mind is... balance. Without this sort of balance between good and evil, wrong and good deed, empathy and apathy, we'd all go crazy on such short notice without even understanding why.

 

A tulpa is, to me, a being that can think. Perhaps not a being with that sort of balance. God has not been as kind as to bless my tulpa with that sort of balance. Everyone in this community speaks in such great ways on how their tulpas 'helped' them, in a way that it makes it all look like... whoa, this is something flawless! Nothing can go wrong! Nothing can hurt my tulpa! And I used to think the exact same. Yet my tulpa, the stronghold, was brought down by things I could never understand. Not by people, not by me, not by a man or a living thing, but by simple and mere ideals that have such a large extent on the way we 'think'. On how our minds operate, and how this balance functions to protect us from the eminent evil found in the null of the universe. A barrier is what it is. A shield. It keeps us warm, it shields us from whatever kind of insanity we'd be subject to. But, if you had no such barrier, who could help you? Do you know how much you'd hurt your loved ones, that would subsequently, in a world of delusion, transform into your worst of enemies and rivals?

 

We have experienced emotions on such a deep level. We have experienced things such as hatred that transformed us into the oppressors we so immaturely thought we could 'stop'. We've been prone to this world of sensitiveness and excuses of existentialism had coupled our existence, there was no reason to exist aside from 'being with each other'. Because ironically, that magically made everything great and dandy. In a fraction of a moment, all things were alright. All sins were forgiven in an instant of eternity, not only forgiven but forgotten. We stood at the top of the world, as we stood at the very deep pit of it, the utter low, lower than dirt, lower than what we once stood up against, until we realized that slowly, we were poisoning our being with the doctrine we WANTED to fight.

 

My tulpa is my friend, my lover, my confidante. If I could undo her existence without harming my mind and emotions, I would do so in a heartbeat. Nobody deserves to suffer this much. Nobody at all. I would not wish this type of pain on my worst of enemies, even on the people from my family who once made my life utter hell. To wish harm upon others like that is simply inhuman. Technically speaking, what she went through, and what I also went through, was too much for a single mind to handle, such as wearing 5 lantern rings to create the white light entity.

 

 

What are we, now? We went away from the ideology that we were simply roaming monsters with no name. That was cool for a while. But too much of that will simply cause dysphoria and ambiguity in our identity. Not a collective identity, not a robust identity either. But I just wanted to be me, and she just wanted to be her. Which is what we're working on. Which is why we abandoned all silly things, all stupid things that people get worked up over for no real reason. I thank God for her presence, if he truly is there, maybe that was my sort of balance. She changed 22 times, the being that could never identify to anything in the past... can she be blessed with what you regard as something so mundane and normal? Time will tell.

---

Oh, shit. To answer your question, tulpas can change in very radical ways and gain traits their hosts would never want in the first place. But that sort of freedom is not one people around here would encourage anytime of the day. If it conflicts with what they personally want, along with the fact that people tend to think that tulpas have this sort of pseudo-sentience that literally bends to what you wish for... tulpas have a world of potential... only if you're ready for it.

[Vos]

Also, I read that in DID some alters can even suffer from allergies that are not present in the original personality. I wonder if differences so radical are possible for Tulpas, or if their personality and abilities tend to be still linked to the Hosts.

 

We actually have a recent thread on allergies.

[yenu]

Most of my thoughtforms stayed somewhat the same. Zatty was originally a dream character; it was only two years later that I started talking to her. So she definitely is not the same as she was in the beginning. She now usually has a very low voice; I remember she only got that after another dream. (But before that, I don't think I ever heard her voice, anyways... except in the original dream, but I can't remember much of that)

 

The most character-development happened with Gonah. He was originally a character from a short story, and he was intentionally very evil. I didn't actually intend to bring him on board with the rest of my tulpas, it just sort of happened, because I enjoyed talking to him.

He became less and less evil over time, and less depressed. I didn't know tulpamancy at the time, so for me this was more like some sort of CGJungian process, talking to a shadow, and such.

While he still loves "evilness" as a concept, and likes to pretend he is evil, he has lost his sinister side that he had in the beginning. He gets along very well with the others, making macabre jokes and such. :-)

 

This is still an important side-tangent to tulpamancy for me. I don't know if I care much about being an actual proper tulpamancer, but working with some darker aspects of myself is cool, and has helped me integrate those a lot.

[earthbound delorean]

Leo likes to mess with my shelf full of figures and plushies. He likes my pokemon stuff the most so he likes distract me from my school work. Leo is very mischievous but he's relatively harmless about most of his mischief.

[Paranoid Llama]

Sceena developed in contrast to Gonah. Looking back, I made her out to be perfectly moral and good and whatnot, and early on she challenged my neutral ways, jokingly. She encouraged me to seek out good deeds and help others, as she would in my place. Well, I was pretty adamant about the matter. It was a very gradual change, but not a very good one. What I mean is rather than going way out of her way to help someone out for the good of it, it depends on the situation. Also, now she's much more assertive and aggressive if needed to persuade or help someone out. She was still assertive before, but with my habits it was unavoidable that she had to change that (oops). A bit more apathetic towards people she hardly knows rather than being the opposite from just a short talk with them. I believe she now has the capability to dislike someone, if that tells you anything of how she was before.

 

She also gained quite a few traits. She values physical intimacy a lot now (just my nice way of saying "HUGS"), and is very childish.

 

All of these traits are the complete opposite of me. This is going to have a big impact on me when she starts possessing the body in daily life....

[Akecalo]

How have my tulpas deviated? Where do I begin?

 

When Maya first made an appearance in my life, I was young. Maya, in appearance was a blond haired little girl with pigtails and red glasses. Usually wearing a nightdress, but not always. Oh, and she was called Sophie (externally. I referred to her in another way internally).

 

As I grew up, Maya grew with me. She developed her personality, matured over time. Every so often, she would change her appearance to one that she felt was appropriate to the time. This mostly took the form of aging slightly. She did not age continuously, she chose to change when she felt that it was time. Sometimes she would talk about it, other times (more often) she would just turn up looking slightly different. I always told her that she could be whatever she wanted to be. Early on I had begun to try all kinds of tricks to try to "get her more real". I wanted her to be "real" more than anything.

 

Pretty quickly I stopped referring to Maya by her external name, as I no longer spoke to others about her and she chose to hide rather than try to interact with the outside world.

 

As puberty approached, Maya became much stronger in her presence and personality. Then, one day I felt her presence strongly (as had often happened when she wanted my attention). I looked at her and was surprised to find that she had completely changed her appearance. This was undoubtedly still her, she felt the same, her voice was the same and she still had the same personality. Her new form was that of a beautiful, slender, pale young lady, with long black hair and dark eyes, wearing a green dress. She looked very closely into my eyes, and said; "This is how I want you to see me now." She then took my chin in her hand and said; "No, look. This is how I want you to see me now." This was the start of her love affair with the colour green. From this time on she took advantage of my ability to visualise, by altering her form as a method of self expression. The changes that she made were generally temporary, although some were more-or-less permanent changes to her form. During the next few years she experimented with different heights, slightly different builds, different relative ages, until eventually settling down, but still making use of temporary form modifications as a way of expressing herself.

 

Currently, her hair has grown longer again, it is at mid-thigh level when she is standing. She decided that she liked the colour of her eyes when she was young, making them blue again. This she then modified to become a very startling shade of blue, eventually deciding that her irises should glow occasionally as an indicator of mood. She has also made her eyes significantly larger. This is her current state. She still loves green and white clothes, although as I type this she is wearing neither of those colours. She still wears her feet bare most of the time, as she did when she was that little girl during the time that I first knew her.

 

During the early years of this century, I somehow got into a conversation about thoughtforms and things. Somehow it got to the point of someone asking "What do you call your thoughtforms?" For years I had been referring to Maya by an internal mode of address, we hadn't used the name Sophie for a long time. When this question was asked, Maya whispered; "Tell them Maya." I think that she chose that name because it has a similar shape to the internal mode of address that we use and because it is similar to Mara, which is both a mythical creature and the name of my other tulpa (it is of course a mammal too, but this use is unrelated). There is also a more private reference that is relevant to her choice. In addition to those reasons, she liked the idea of being "Maya and Mara".

 

Mara has deviated less than Maya. She has been with us for a much shorter time than Maya has been with me. Mara has made minor modifications to her build/figure. She has changed the irises of her eyes from blue to black. She has developed fangs. Like Maya, she frequently changes clothes. Her personality has matured over time.