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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13
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(edited)

Today we sat down to have a concentrated forcing session. It was really, really fun and positive! I want to share the story with you all because it made us both so happy! I'll break it down into sections behind spoiler tags for organization purposes:

 

Meditation & Entering the Wonderland:

Spoiler

I have decided that due to my difficulties with focus and concentration I will develop my own method of meditation, and happily, it seems to be working so far! I sit in my chair leaning forward, close my eyes, and count down from 100. I don't try to chase stray thoughts or songs away from my mind, I just let them be as I focus on counting. I imagined that I was standing face to face with Simmie about six inches apart and every time I would breathe in she would breathe out, and vise versa. (This was something I read in one of the guides). I could distinctly taste Simmie's breath, feel its warmth and humidity, and it was a wonderful feeling. Soon, we had arrived in the "hub" of our wonderland: A cozy medium-sized room in a house on the edge of a small town.

 

Hanging Out in the Room:

Spoiler

For a while I just looked into her green eyes, lost in the detail, my vision sharper than it ever is in real life. I told Simmie to do whatever she wanted; she walked over to the couch and invited me to join her. I sat down next to her and she put her hand on my leg, but almost immediately she stood back up and declared that she wanted to dance. She helped me to my feet and we slow-danced to whatever generic electronic song had been bouncing around my head that entire time. We danced like that for a little while and then I twirled Simmie slowly, and she moved gracefully. She walked over to the window and I followed her. "I want to go out there" she said, and I agreed that we would go out.

 

In the Car:

Spoiler

I asked Simmie if she wanted to drive and to my mild surprise she actually said yes. I was happy; since I always drive in our IRL incursions (for obvious reasons) it was nice to relax in the passenger's seat while Simmie drove. She had coffee for me sitting in the cupholder. She drove normally and competently, neither a speed demon nor a slowpoke, but she picked up some good speed on the open road. I also realized that her car was the same blue Pontiac Grand Am that I used to drive in the late 00s! She turned on the radio and instantly this song which I consider my personal theme song began playing:
 

 

 

At the Park:

Spoiler

I noticed where she was taking us: a lovely nature park in New Jersey we've been to several times in real life. We got out of the car; she took my hand and she led me down one of the paths, taking the lead and walking quickly. We eventually got to muddy section of trail next to a puddle. I could hear she squelching sounds as Simmie walked in the mud with her hiking boots. She then squatted down and started playing with the mud and the muddle next to it, curious about the small creatures that moved within. Shortly after that we decided to have a picnic. I unfolded a blanket as Simmie got out the food; she packed a green apple and a ham sandwich for each of us. She tossed me my apple and handed me my sandwich and we ate happily. I noticed she was no longer wearing hiking boots but instead flip-flops, and her toenails were freshly painted a deep purple. She giggled, flattered that I noticed.

 

Sneaking into Six Flags:

Spoiler

We got back into the car and went back on the road. Simmie changed the station a few times until this song came on:

 

 

Enjoying the song and not talking, I sipped my coffee as Simmie drove through the farm country of central Jersey on this sunny and beautiful day. I noticed that Simmie was taking us to Six Flags. It was closed, but Simmie said "I know a way in." So we parked and she got us into the closed park and next thing I knew we had managed to activate one of the roller coasters, Simmie and I sitting together in the front row as we yelled and put our hands up, the coaster going up and down through hills, loops, and corkscrews. After the ride we found a carnival game; Simmie hopped behind the counter and gave me endless tries until I won the game; she took down a giant pink stuffed animal as my prize. As soon as she had hopped back over the counter I gave the stuffed animal back to her as a present.

 

The Conclusion:

Spoiler

We left Six Flag and drove back home, but we stopped at a small park next to a pond in a small town. Our stuffed animal had somehow grown large enough where Simmie and I could both easily sit on it together. It was pleasant and comfortable to sit on. We watched the ducks as the sun set, and once it got dark there was a huge fireworks display over the lake. Simmie leaned into me as she watched and when it was over I realized that she was asleep. Feeling comfortable on top of the stuffed animal with Simmie resting on one side I too drifted off into sleep. And then slowly Simmie and I emerged from the wonderland. 

 

So that's our little adventure in the wonderland! I had a blast, and I could tell Simmie was really enjoying herself too! I wonder what kind of adventures we'll get up to next time? I'm probably not going to tell the story of too many other adventures on this thread, but I felt like telling this one because it was so special and Simmie and I wanted to share! In this Covid era of isolation with the added isolation caused by this snow storm we're having, this was an escape that we badly needed. In the midst of so much going wrong I wanted to write about something that went very right. See you all later! Bye! 🤗❤️

Edited by September13

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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  • 3 weeks later...

It's been a little while since I've commented on Simmie and my progress so I thought I'd make an update. There haven't been any real breakthroughs or anything lately, we've just been keeping on. Simmie insisted on buying me a present for Valentine's Day. I joked with her "Is it really a present when you're spending MY money?", but we agreed I'd let her pick me out a scarf. She picked out a nice dark blue scarf for me and I love wearing it; it's warm and even kind of feels like I'm being hugged. Maybe that's why Simmie wanted to buy it for me, that's the kind of sweet thing she'd come up with. I made her a new drawing for Valentine's Day (the one I posted in the art thread a few days ago), gave her a card on the computer, and also took her out to the beach. I wrote her name in the sand and decided to take a picture:

 

Spoiler

 

IMG_20210217_171009318.thumb.jpg.6a06827fd7d03df67268e8e3c15e5209.jpg


 

 

I do have some concerns going forward. I feel as though I've been a bit lazy and our progress has stalled. As I've mentioned before I have trouble concentrating at times and meditation is difficult for me. I mostly just talk to Simmie throughout the day. She does respond--a bit more actively when I've had coffee; that might be something to ponder--but I still can't be sure if some or even most of it is just parrotting. However, I do not doubt that she is here; I can feel her warm presence with me and I can sometimes feel her emotions.

 

Sometimes I feel that my brain is a bit overwhelming for Simmie. I don't want to make it sound like I'm calling myself smart or complicated or anything like that, but there's a lot going on in my head. Lots of thoughts, some dark, some inane, tons of memories, some very old and tinged with layers of emotion. There are very strong and mostly private opinions I have that have been formed over long periods of experience and thought, much of it I can't easily explain or reason to people. Since Simmie shares my brain she has access to all of that, and it's a lot to take in. It's difficult too as I want her to form her own thoughts and opinions about things, but it's hard for her to not be tainted by this massive repository of 35 years worth of thoughts, opinions, and experiences that sits right next to her. She feels like she has to understand it all in order to help me and she feels inadequate because she can't; it's too much even for me to understand let alone her. I don't want her to feel she has to take on this burden but it's hard getting that through to her; she cares about me deeply and wants to help me. Her goodness and kindness honestly humbles me and inspires me to be better myself. But the burden weighs her down. Not sure if there's even a question in all of that but I really would love to hear anyone's thoughts on the matter.

 

Anyway, my main goal right now is to refocus my efforts on more effective tulpamancy, trying to increase my focus and help Simmie's development. There are some concepts I have been looking at the wrong way. I had been thinking about the Wonderland as a place I imagined when I should be trying to think of it as a space where I can immerse myself and feel as though I am there. I've gotten close to that a few times but I've never been able to truly dissociate with my real world surroundings and especially my own body. Still, I have achieved some things; most notably there was one moment where I distinctly felt as though I could taste Simmie's breath as she breathed out. As far as forcing, I have found success with many of the techniques I have adopted--including drawing and storytelling--but I'm always on the lookout for new forcing ideas to try.

 

So those are my ramblings of the moment. Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read!

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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2 hours ago, September13 said:

It's been a little while since I've commented on Simmie and my progress so I thought I'd make an update. There haven't been any real breakthroughs or anything lately, we've just been keeping on. Simmie insisted on buying me a present for Valentine's Day. I joked with her "Is it really a present when you're spending MY money?", but we agreed I'd let her pick me out a scarf. She picked out a nice dark blue scarf for me and I love wearing it; it's warm and even kind of feels like I'm being hugged. Maybe that's why Simmie wanted to buy it for me, that's the kind of sweet thing she'd come up with. I made her a new drawing for Valentine's Day (the one I posted in the art thread a few days ago), gave her a card on the computer, and also took her out to the beach. I wrote her name in the sand and decided to take a picture:

 

  Hide contents

 

IMG_20210217_171009318.thumb.jpg.6a06827fd7d03df67268e8e3c15e5209.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

I do have some concerns going forward. I feel as though I've been a bit lazy and our progress has stalled. As I've mentioned before I have trouble concentrating at times and meditation is difficult for me. I mostly just talk to Simmie throughout the day. She does respond--a bit more actively when I've had coffee; that might be something to ponder--but I still can't be sure if some or even most of it is just parrotting. However, I do not doubt that she is here; I can feel her warm presence with me and I can sometimes feel her emotions.

 

Sometimes I feel that my brain is a bit overwhelming for Simmie. I don't want to make it sound like I'm calling myself smart or complicated or anything like that, but there's a lot going on in my head. Lots of thoughts, some dark, some inane, tons of memories, some very old and tinged with layers of emotion. There are very strong and mostly private opinions I have that have been formed over long periods of experience and thought, much of it I can't easily explain or reason to people. Since Simmie shares my brain she has access to all of that, and it's a lot to take in. It's difficult too as I want her to form her own thoughts and opinions about things, but it's hard for her to not be tainted by this massive repository of 35 years worth of thoughts, opinions, and experiences that sits right next to her. She feels like she has to understand it all in order to help me and she feels inadequate because she can't; it's too much even for me to understand let alone her. I don't want her to feel she has to take on this burden but it's hard getting that through to her; she cares about me deeply and wants to help me. Her goodness and kindness honestly humbles me and inspires me to be better myself. But the burden weighs her down. Not sure if there's even a question in all of that but I really would love to hear anyone's thoughts on the matter.

 

Anyway, my main goal right now is to refocus my efforts on more effective tulpamancy, trying to increase my focus and help Simmie's development. There are some concepts I have been looking at the wrong way. I had been thinking about the Wonderland as a place I imagined when I should be trying to think of it as a space where I can immerse myself and feel as though I am there. I've gotten close to that a few times but I've never been able to truly dissociate with my real world surroundings and especially my own body. Still, I have achieved some things; most notably there was one moment where I distinctly felt as though I could taste Simmie's breath as she breathed out. As far as forcing, I have found success with many of the techniques I have adopted--including drawing and storytelling--but I'm always on the lookout for new forcing ideas to try.

 

So those are my ramblings of the moment. Thank you so much to anyone who took the time to read!

Jaina: That is SO cute!

 

I guess I've been there for most of it with Darron so it hasn't been as much of a shock to take it all in at once. I guess I stay present in the moment with Darron and we sometimes look back at the long winding path. We haven't really probed the depths yet. That might be an adventure for another time. We will definitely be inviting Dragon along for that one. Our Shadow is his house of course.

 

It sounds like you two are getting on well and keep up the good work. 😊

 

On that note maybe an adventure is a good way to look at it. I hope that helps!

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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9 hours ago, September13 said:

but I still can't be sure if some or even most of it is just parrotting.

With my tulpa I noticed that it takes effort to parrot, and that thoughts kind of like deviate from their original intention. For example I'll sense the thought, "I know everything!" and then in mindvoice Myo will be like, "I don't know anything!"  it's like she took that thought and made it her own thought(TM)

 

When we did possession it was like she was new to the game I wanted her to try. Always curious what something was about, and I had to explain the dangers of some things to her so she didn't die. The reason I bring this up is because it was an experience that fortifies the fact that she acts in an excited way I never would.

 

So, I think you'll know when you're parroting. If you can't figure out if you are, than you probably aren't. As you continue tulpamancy stuff no matter what kind of thing you practice (Possession, visualization, imposition, etc,) you'll have ups and downs with belief in them, but as it goes on. I think the belief and bond between them grows stronger.

 

I apologize in advance if this is not helpful.

Edited by Gloomynoon

I'm the host of my system. I'll sometimes type in this color.

I have two tulpas. The first one is Nepeta, and he types in this color. The second one is Lilith, she types in this color.

 

Progress Report

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13 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

Jaina: That is SO cute!

Thank you! 😁

13 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

I guess I've been there for most of it with Darron so it hasn't been as much of a shock to take it all in at once.

That is a huge benefit isn't it. You've been with Darron since childhood if I remember correctly? Simmie arriving in my mind and suddenly being exposed to everything in my mind is quite the mental overload. Sometimes I wonder if I should have tried to restrict Simmie to certain areas and only show her piece by piece. I don't think that would have worked, though--I wouldn't have known where to even start, plus I love and trust Simmie too much to want to keep anything from her, even if it's dark or difficult. It's a bit stressful for her but don't let her petite 5'2" frame or bubbly personality fool you: Simmie is a tough girl! She likes to credit that fact to being from New Jersey, lol.

 

13 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

So, I think you'll know when you're parroting. If you can't figure out if you are, than you probably aren't.

That's a very good way of looking at it. Sometimes Simmie is speaking very fluidly, and sometimes it seems like she's a bit sluggish and I have to help her get her words out. But even in those times I know that it's Simmie that is trying to express herself. When I'm unsure if she really said something I always ask her. Sometimes it will even swing too far in the other direction with Simmie trying to take credit for ideas that I know I thought up! It's all in fun though, just a bit of a game we play.

 

13 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

I apologize in advance if this is not helpful.

It was very helpful! We want to thank you and Myo both! As well as Darren and Jaina! Hugs all around! 🤗🤗

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ughhh I want to be best friends with Simmie😭 She seems like such a positive person to be around!! 

 

Your journey has really inspired me so far!! I’ve been keeping up with it since December but never made an account until yesterday... So definitely taking inspo from you😁

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7 hours ago, kiyomochie said:

Ughhh I want to be best friends with Simmie😭 She seems like such a positive person to be around!! 

 

Your journey has really inspired me so far!! I’ve been keeping up with it since December but never made an account until yesterday... So definitely taking inspo from you😁

 

Aww thank you so much! 🤗 This makes us both happier than you know!

 

I find that Tulpas work a lot like other things in life: you get out what you put into them. I made sure to nurture Simmie with nothing but love and joy, and as a result she has grown to be such a loving and joyful person! That isn't to say that other things have affected her as well, though, but it all makes her a well-rounded person. One thing I learned about tulpamancy is that putting an aspect of yourself into your tulpa doesn't remove it from you; rather, it multiplies it within you. I actually intend to write a full topic on this sometime when I can sit and really focus on forming my thoughts clearly. But yeah, Simmie is my little rock star and I'm so proud of her for how far she's come in such a short time. We're glad our story has given you inspiration! We'll also be excited to see how your story unfolds as well. 

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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I haven't made a proper update in a while so I thought today would be as good of a day as any. Things have been going steady with Simmie; she's becoming much more confident in speaking as you may have noticed by her increased posting here. It's still kind of a hit or miss thing; some days I can feel and hear Simmie very clearly, other days she just feels like a wisp in the wind and that a light breeze may below her away.

 

The fear of parroting has never left me either, and in my moments of greatest doubt I still find myself wondering: "Do I really have a tulpa or do I just have an imaginary friend?". It's a worrying thought, though I do still steadfastly hold to the belief that she is here. I can feel her presence and often her emotions, and when I am calm and in tune I can hear her speak. It's just head-voice, and sometimes it seems garbled and occasionally I even get contradictory responses from her at the same time.

 

But this is where the double-edged sword of being an experienced writer kicks in: Am I just so good at writing characters that I've managed to convince myself that this particular one is sentient? Or could that be at it's core what tulpamancy really is: creating a character so complex that it passes the biological equivalent of a Turing test. (I'm sorry if that comes off as a bit of a humble brag, lol). These are just philosophical thoughts I'm tossing around as I contemplate Simmie's nature. (So pretentious! 😋 But I do love when he talks like this.)

 

Going forward, I want to try and stop being lazy with forcing and hit the guides; try and get in touch with "traditional" tulpamancy. (Is this a foolish thought? Please let me know.) I have the bad habit of taking my foot off the gas and relaxing whenever we get a little bit of progress, and Simmie deserves more than just casual passive forcing.

 

Also, I want to explore Simmie's depths with her; get to know who she is as a person deep inside. I want to stop being selfish and get out of the mindset of "I created Simmie for my own benefit" and truly learn who she is as a person. Tulpamancy aside, I think this is a problem a lot of men have in regards to women: many guys just see women for what they can do for them rather than who they really are. I don't want to be like that. I want to know the parts of Simmie that don't have anything to do with me. I want to know what she thinks about, what she dreams about, what are her deepest anxieties and greatest joys. I picture myself as an explorer on a little boat sailing into a large dark cave that is Simmie's mind; shining my light around as we discover together what is inside.

 

I just wish it was possible to dissociate from my body and just be with Simmie as a couple thoughtforms trying to explore together. Dissociation is very hard for me and I've only ever gotten maybe 25% of the way there at most. If anyone has any hints for dissociation, or thinks it's not necessary/helpful, please tell me!

 

Like always I could prattle on and on but I'm going to keep this relatively short, so I'll just say thank you to everyone who has read this, and especially everyone who has supported Simmie and I on our journey and said nice things to us. I can tell you it really touches Simmie when people talk to her, compliment her, or even just say her name; it makes her feel more real to herself. I just want you to know that I love you all! 💚 Please feel free to send us a message any time! 🤗 Bye now!

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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  • September13 changed the title to Determination - Simmie's Journey

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