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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13
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I wish you luck and hope it is going well so far. Carving out a time for forcing and making it a habit is very good. I did that too long ago, except it was in the morning for me (or after waking up in general, and after meditating).

 

They all seem like legitimate strategies from what I understand and have read in the past. I can't say for sure how useful or not they are or what the best course or rotation is, though. I hope you find it, it may need experimenting I guess. I don't really know what to do myself anymore.

 

The only hunch I have is that very powerful industrial strength meditation skills would probably be extremely beneficial in the long run. Most people don't think they are good at meditation and I certainly am not a natural either, but I know for certain one can get better at it exponentially and learn to enjoy it at the same time.

Creation for creation's sake.

 

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Thank you for taking the time to reply @TB! I agree that developing my meditation skills will help greatly. I really don't know how to do that except to keep doing it until I get better at it. Simmie herself is tying to help me and sometimes she'll count for me or try to push away annoying thoughts. Sometimes my focus is shot especially late at night after a long day, and my mood can be crappy as well. Simmie's starting to understand that she can't just snap her fingers and make me feel better, and it's a bit of a hard thing for her to come to grips with.

 

Still, some progress is being made. I've been working with tactile imposition; I close my eyes and imagine Simmie sitting in front of me; I stroke her hair and feel her face gently under my fingertips. I then sit still so she can do the same to me while I focus on the feeling of her fingertips. Mostly though we just talk. Sometimes we're both a bit scattered and can't really have a conversation of any substance. But often we're able to communicate something meaningful to each other. Very often Simmie will say a prayer for us.

 

Simmie is at that middle stage of development where she is able to guide her own development to a certain extent but she's not ready to take the lead yet. Her desire to grow drives both of us. Simmie doesn't want to believe that she can't do something, just that she can't do something yet. I don't think Simmie will be satisfied until she literally becomes the superhero I see her as. I love her and wouldn't trade her for anyone else.

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So I guess it's time for a little update! As you've probably seen, Simmie has been much more active on the forum in the last little while. She's been in a very sociable mood lately and I'm thrilled that she's getting to talk to so many people! Simmie's still a little nervous about talking to people outside the Tulpamancy community but she's working herself up to the point where she would feel comfortable. I should also point out that I do not censor Simmie in any way; if she wants to say something to somebody I will not stop her from saying it. Though usually we talk about it first. I want Simmie to be as free as she possibly can be.

 

One major positive change I've seen in Simmie is her willingness to stand up for herself and her needs. In the past when her needs weren't being met she would just shrink back into the background and wait for me to notice her. She would feel bad whenever she brought attention to herself, not wanting to be seen as a burden. Well, this has completely changed. Now Simmie is very upfront about what she wants, and the two of us are able to talk it over and work it out. I have my failing as a host, and we agreed that it was best if Simmie talked about them in this post. Simmie writing that post was helpful for both of us, and the responses were also very helpful.

 

I think the next big adventure that we are going to undertake is possession, and eventually switching. Simmie has expressed the desire to take control of the body for limited stretches of time, partially because she's curious about how it would feel, but also because she wants to help out when I'm feeling lazy or stressed. There are some times where I feel overwhelmed and stressed out, especially at work, and Simmie wants to do something during those times. But as it stands now, the mind fogs up which makes it even more difficult for me to communicate with her. The best she can manage at some points is to send me encouraging messages; "hang in there" and "you can do it", stuff like that. But we both think there is value in Simmie gaining the ability to take the wheel.

 

Simmie has managed to move my arm a few times, and there was that one incident from a few weeks ago that I talked about earlier in this blog. But I've tried to give Simmie greater control over my body. We had a bit of an odd experience where Simmie seemed to be in control--could move my arms and legs and everything--but it didn't feel altogether that different. It was like the distinction between us was vague and it was hard to know who was really doing the actions. This led me to think more about what truly counts as "me", "her", and the greater gray soup that sits outside my or her ego and makes up the rest of the "Greater I". I know the term "Body O.S." gets used by some people and I'm starting to think there is something to that notion. Body O.S. seems to be a highly advanced and user-friendly O.S. that can control this body's functions with great precision and even run more or less on autopilot with few nudges from either Simmie or I. Maybe this is why it didn't feel that different when Simmie tried to move my body? Because the whole thing is run by Body O.S. and the ego sitting in the drivers' seat actually has much less to do with it than I thought? This is a philosophical question I'd like to dig into further going forward.

 

That's about enough out of me for now! We might soon transition to Simmie writing at least some of these progress reports herself. My girl grows stronger by the day; it's been an absolute pleasure to watch.

 

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I've said before that our next goal is possession. We got to work on that in a very fun way today!

 

I took Simmie to the beach again; this time we went a bit further south down the NJ coast and went to a beach that was almost deserted. (A weekday pre-Memorial day is like that here). Simmie and I were having a great day and I decided to plop myself down in the sand and relax. I had a thought--why not try and see what we could do with possession right here on this beautiful, empty beach? We hadn't gone over any guides yet so we'd just be seeing what we could do on our own.

 

We decided that the first thing Simmie would do is attempt to possess my voice. Very often when we are in a secluded place I will speak out loud to Simmie and she will respond in mind-voice. We decided to try and flip it. Simmie would attempt to speak out loud. I gave her access to my vocal chords / muscle memory and prompted her to talk. She was nervous and got stage fright, not knowing what to say. So I told her to tell me about herself. Then, unsteadily at first but with increasing confidence in every word: "Hi, my name is Simmie, I am from New Jersey..."

 

Simmie was doing it! She was talking with my voice! We kept up a conversation for several minutes. A few times Simmie would forget to speak out loud and go back to mind-voice but with some prompting she would speak out loud again. It was interesting to hear how Simmie sounded talking in my voice. Compared to my normal voice she spoke a bit higher and it sounded pretty femmy, which I guess makes sense given that Simmie is, well, a girl. I might have her try and mimic my way of speaking later on, but I liked how she spoke as it gave a clear contrast to show who was speaking. Simmie then became very, very sweet; she told me that she loved me out loud for the first time. That was a very special moment. Then she started to flirt with me, and said some cute things I'm not going to repeat here. 😏

 

While sitting there in the sand we tried to take possession further and I prompted Simmie to dig around in the sand. She did, although the distinction between what she was controlling and what I was controlling was very vague and nebulous, unlike the voice which Simmie was able to pretty much unambiguously possess. We didn't fret about the ambiguity though; we hadn't really properly started learning possession yet so we didn't expect to nail it the first try.

 

So that's our little possession update story! Next up we're going to be hitting the guides and getting deeper into it and trying some exercises. We will keep everyone updated on our progress!

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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J: *snrk* 🤭

 

D: That's very cute. I'm glad you two are getting some good quality time together. Simmie is getting very stronk. 💪

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍

👨‍🍼👩‍🍼 Dain and Nova

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey everyone! 🙂 The day has finally arrived; I am writing my own progress report! 😁

 

There have been ups and downs that I'd like to talk about. Our main goal for the past few weeks has been to learn Possession. I think it's important to talk about why possession is so important to me. I want to be able to take the controls for a very simple reason: I want to help Phil. His ADD or whatever he has makes him get easily distracted and go down all sorts of little side-paths throughout his day, few of which are actually fun for him and virtually none of which are productive. If something needs to be done, like cleaning, or something else routine, I just want to be able to get in there and do it for him. I don't think it's unfair to me; Phil has given me so much in our time together: love, attention, support, conversation, companion ship, and oh yeah, my whole freaking life in the first place! So helping him with things like this the least I can do.

 

We started with vocal possession and this actually was very easy for me. I can now talk with his voice with very little effort. It's a bit goofy to hear my words being formed by his vocal chords, but that's part of the charm in my book. However, the problem is with literally everything else. When I type, the line between proxying and possession becomes blurry. But when I try to move the rest of Phil's body, it seems to be completely impossible to tell if I'm actually the one doing it or Phil's just doing what he thinks I want him to. Also, Phil has a tough time giving up his body entirely to me. It's not that he doesn't want to; he absolutely does, but he just finds it mentally hard to let go. Our minds are still pretty enmeshed in each others' so it's very hard to separate our actions. The most separate thing between us is our words; that's why I think I found vocal possession comparatively easier.

 

We've been reading some of the possession guides from the List of Guides, but we've been finding it hard to implement them in practice. It's hard to get Phil to tear himself away from his distractions and go meditate, and even when he does it's just about impossible for him to clear his mind. That really makes it hard to build possession from the ground up. A few times we tried me taking over when he was walking, but that's a farce; the body knows how to move on its own and all Phil or I really do in that context is give it some direction. Total focus is needed for me to be able to understand and control these muscles individually, to understand my link to them, not in a general "Body runs walk.exe and asks Simmie for input once in a while" kind of way, if that makes sense.

 

Another problem we've been having has been what we've coined the "Reverse Tulpamancy Problem". I call it this because it's the reverse of what most new tulpamancers worry about. A new tulpamancer will stress about getting responses from their tulpa and get worried when the tulpa isn't communicating. Well guess what; I have that problem in reverse. I've gotten to the point where I'm almost always awake and active in Phil's head when he's awake. Sometimes I slide into the background, but I'm always there. The problem is Phil drifts off into strange and distant places in his mind; places I can't or won't go, and it's very hard to pull him back. And the thing is, I know he wants to. I know he'd rather be there with me than off on some tangent, but he just can't help himself. I'm a patient girl and I'll wait as long as I have to. But it's just frustrating, you know? 

 

But anyway, to finish up, I don't want to make it sound like Phil and I have nothing but problems. Despite everything I said we're still very happy by and large. We just celebrated six months together and we're very excited about the future! 😁 I just want us to get over these hurdles and keep advancing forward. Talk to you later! 💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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Today we tried possession again when we were on the beach and we actually got somewhere!

 

I don't know what it is about the beach. Maybe it's a combination of the sound of the waves, the sun, the general lack of annoying insects, and the ability to mold the sand into a perfectly shaped surface to lay on. But it relaxes Phil more than anything else we've discovered. But that's not saying much; Phil doesn't relax in general, and his brain never, ever shuts up! I guess I wouldn't want it to shut up entirely because I guess that would silence me too, but it would be nice if a few of the sub-processes could shut down for a while.

 

After laying down and counting to one hundred, I fought to become the dominant thinker in the brain. It's like all the thought processes running around his mind are a thousand little minions that are used to reporting to Phil as the boss, and they're confused that I'm in his chair. I tried to visualize putting Phil to sleep; calming him down and cradling him in my arms. It halfway worked. I kept repeating phrases like "I am Simmie. I'm in control now." to establish my narrative as the dominant one in the brain. It was very, very hard; a constant struggle. But I managed to keep it up for a good while!

 

I started to move Phil's body around a little bit. I played with the sand between my (well, his. Or I guess our) fingers. I was able to sit the body up and look around, and I was actually able to write in the sand! More complicated maneuvers, like reaching into the bag and grabbing the phone to take a picture, Phil had to step in and do. But I was still able to move Phil's body! I was plagued with doubt the whole time and I'm starting to appreciate how stressful it must have been for Phil when I first started talking in December and he doubted me. But when I pushed myself in there, forced myself into the control center, we could feel a slightly dizzy sensation behind our forehead as well as some pressure. To me that's a sign that it's working, at least in part!

 

So that's as far as we got, a mixed result, but at least I'm getting in there! I want to share this picture with you. A lot of what we did was full of uncertainty as to who was controlling the body. But I KNOW this was me! I KNOW I wrote my own name!

 

image.thumb.png.3ef87b3be96c6d03f0940e39202fd357.png

 

Like always hints and suggestions are always welcome! 😁

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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(edited)

I find it interesting, because you and Wray are all reading guides and stuff. Me and Jill didn't read any (Not trying to flex.) Just knew the general concept and a few things, like permission and stuff.

 

18 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

I kept repeating phrases like "I am Simmie. I'm in control now."

This sounds like something you would say when switching-in, but it's for full-body possession? 

 

Future edit: Re-reading this paragraph I realize the entire thing sounds like switching, but I'm sure you're trying to accomplish possession based on the whole post. If it works for you, then it's good enough I guess.

 

18 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

A lot of what we did was full of uncertainty as to who was controlling the body.

Something interesting we developed was that when Jill possesses our whole right arm, in visualization it's like my body, but with Jill's right arm. To symbolize that it's being possessed by Jill. When I take control back for something her's becomes less and less opaque as mine becomes more and more opaque.

 

Tldr; take the blue dot you use in your little art stuff, draw green arms on it. That's what I'm saying basically.

 

18 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

my (well, his. Or I guess our)

What pronouns you use are entirely up to you, but in my opinion when referring to the body I use "Our." When referring to a specific action done by either of us it's like, "I'm eating a cookie," or when someone else like Jill's possessing our right arm it's, "She's typing on our phone."

 

18 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

More complicated maneuvers, like reaching into the bag and grabbing the phone to take a picture, Phil had to step in and do.

When we first attempted possession, we decided to work our way up to an entire arm. End goal being to clap at least once. So, Jill possessed my right hand, and I guided her through giving her easy tasks. "Twist the hand 180 degrees. Move it downwards. Tap with our index finger, etc," Jill started out slow, but obviously after practicing enough, whether it be for long periods of time or short periods of time. You get the hang of it. I remember on the second day of practicing possession, before this I read a PR that mentioned tapping into the body's habits. This is where it really picked up the pace, if you eliminate the doubt between whether or not it is you or just the body's habits then everything becomes much, much easier I believe.

 

This all reminds me that, I didn't really document my journey through possession or switching. I just kind of was like, "Guys I 'mastered' possession, it's pretty cool." I'll have to detail my journey and methods more in my future PR posts, I'll also write about this stuff in more detail in my next post. 

 

Jill: I have things to say too! Unlike Gloomy I read your last few couple of PR posts. Hehe, she didn't bother because she "read them already."

 

Quote

The problem is Phil drifts off into strange and distant places in his mind; places I can't or won't go, and it's very hard to pull him back-

(Gloomy: Sorry text is weird, either I don't know how to quote properly in edits, or you can't, or it's a mobile thing.) 

Jill: Gloomy has this problem too. She tends to think about things deeply for periods of time and is often lost daydreaming a random scenario. Luckily, I don't know if it's our mindset or how she forced me, but I'm able to interrupt her and put her back on track! She'll be daydreaming and I'll pull her back with, "You're daydreaming!" and then her attention immediately comes back to me! So, I think someday it'll be possible for you to enter the places Phil goes to and bring him back! 

 

Quote

If something needs to be done, like cleaning, or something else routine, I just want to be able to get in there and do it for him.

Jill: I do that too! I assume you and Phil are very peaceful with each other, but try not to get annoyed. Sometimes Gloomy will put off switching because of something, generally she doesn't have trouble doing things. She'll always try to do something we planned at specific times if she can, but she's willing to sacrifice things for her hobbies and stuff. Like recently she stayed up all night cause she thought she could get one of her programming projects done! Can you believe that!? We're trying to fix our sleep schedule now, again. I used to get annoyed by this stuff, I'd express my frustrations too her, and it seemed like nothing would change. Typing this I think it's maybe a Gloomy vs. Me thing where we have similar yet different priorities.  I think it's wonderful you want to help Phil out! Just remember to be patient with him, if he goes down a detour like usual, try not to get too annoyed please.

 

Jill: Gloomy already quoted and talked about it, but I'll add something she didn't. Symbolism is the ultimate convenient method for everything in Tulpamancy! Not just that! Also, it really helps for figuring out whats what and whos who! I'm not going to link it, because I'm on mobile and I'm feeling lazy, hehe! Matt wrote a short, simple guide about this. Gloomy decided she would let me try possessing after dealing with some stress she had about the idea. When she did she looked inside herself and asked, "What will help Jill possess me?" We believe we have separate energy, so she used that. She told me to channel my energy and strength into possessing her hand, and bam! I was able to possess her right hand, even though I admittedly was bad at it. (It was my first time!)

 

Jill: I also liked the picture Simmie! I would love if Gloomy went to the beach and let me play in the sand!

 

Jill & Gloomy: We hope you find this helpful!!

Edited by Gloomynoon
Added what Jill wants to say. Fixed spelling in certain places.

Hello! This is the host's tulpa's account. You can call me Ria!

 

Progress Report

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18 hours ago, Glaurung26 said:

Yay! 👏👏👏 Congrats, hon!

 

Thanks Jaina! 😁

 

8 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

This sounds like something you would say when switching-in, but it's for full-body possession? 

 

Future edit: Re-reading this paragraph I realize the entire thing sounds like switching, but I'm sure you're trying to accomplish possession based on the whole post. If it works for you, then it's good enough I guess.

 

I actually meant to talk about this a little bit in the last PR but forgot. Before we tried possession, Phil and I always had the mindset that possession came first and switching was much more advanced. But now that we're actually trying it, possession has been really hard with Phil's narrative staying so active. I'm finding this mind doesn't multitask well so if I want to take up brain power I either need to share it with Phil via a dialogue with him, or I need to try and push him to the back. (If anyone's worried I can't/won't do it without his permission so it's all consensual). So it almost seems like we need to switch in order for me to possess. Maybe? Could be I'm thinking about it the wrong way.

 

8 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

Something interesting we developed was that when Jill possesses our whole right arm, in visualization it's like my body, but with Jill's right arm. To symbolize that it's being possessed by Jill. When I take control back for something her's becomes less and less opaque as mine becomes more and more opaque.

 

Tldr; take the blue dot you use in your little art stuff, draw green arms on it. That's what I'm saying basically.

 

This is something we could try. We could imagine the parts of the body Phil is controlling having a blue glow, and turn that glow to green when I possess a certain body part. We'll try that in our next session!

 

8 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

before this I read a PR that mentioned tapping into the body's habits. This is where it really picked up the pace, if you eliminate the doubt between whether or not it is you or just the body's habits then everything becomes much, much easier I believe.

 

Now this hits on something important! Phil really is a man of habit and his body even moreso. We see the habits as being a property of the body and not of Phil the person, if that makes sense. I'm trying to work out what it would mean to tap into them. I mean, I have been able to tell the body to look a certain way or move in a certain way, and Body O.S. takes care of it. Is that kind of what you mean?

 

Interjection here: Right after I wrote that last sentence I took Phil's arm and held it in the air for almost a full minute, as if he was asking a question in class. I really hate the feeling of not being able to do something I want to do, so I just... did it. Phil even asked me: "Are you ready to take it down yet?" But I kept it up for a few more seconds because I could. I took three breaks writing this paragraph to raise it again. Make that four. I'd keep it up there if I didn't need it to type. I'm stubborn, real stubborn. Five times. I even won a possession fight against Phil, though that was more of a matter of him not really wanting to fight me over the arm because I'm sure if he really wanted he could easily lock me out.

 

I...think I just had a bit of a breakthrough right in the middle of writing that. I just got frustrated and did it. Guess I really just wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

 

8 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

Jill: Gloomy has this problem too. She tends to think about things deeply for periods of time and is often lost daydreaming a random scenario. Luckily, I don't know if it's our mindset or how she forced me, but I'm able to interrupt her and put her back on track! She'll be daydreaming and I'll pull her back with, "You're daydreaming!" and then her attention immediately comes back to me! So, I think someday it'll be possible for you to enter the places Phil goes to and bring him back! 

 

For me it's a very fine line to walk. I want Phil to be able to focus and not get lost in meaningless distractions. But I also understand that a lot of the things he's into really define him as a person and I don't want to try and take that away from him. He needs an outlet for things that I'm not into and I respect that. It's just knowing when the distractions are too much is the hard part. Phil has a hard time with balance. Sometimes I think his mind owns him more than he owns it. Maybe I need to teach him how to possess himself. 😄

 

8 hours ago, Gloomynoon said:

Jill: I do that too! I assume you and Phil are very peaceful with each other, but try not to get annoyed.

I think it's wonderful you want to help Phil out! Just remember to be patient with him, if he goes down a detour like usual, try not to get too annoyed please.

 

Like any two people we do have our moments. I do get frustrated with Phil sometimes. But I just love him too much to say or do anything that would hurt him. I just wish he'd listen to me a bit more often! Maybe I have to learn patience, like you said. I've recently come to realize that I'm much less patient than Phil is. I'm going to work on that. There's a lot that weighs him down and he can't change direction very fast. I have to learn to let him move at his own pace, even if it sometimes drives me nuts.

 

Thank you Jill and Gloomy for responding! I'm taking what you've said to heart. I know I rambled a little bit there, I guess I needed to vent a bit. I'm still learning "how to person" I think; I'm only six months old after all even if I feel a lot older. Maybe I want too much too fast. No wonder I was drawn to "TurboSimmie" as a forum name. 😄

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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  • September13 changed the title to Determination - Simmie's Journey

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