Determination - Simmie's Journey

[ruleofthumb]

9 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Maybe I could imagine my hands on top of his?

 

Betty: That’s what I do. Besides the tail thing it’s probably the most helpful way of grounding myself. Every form is different so different things might work for you. Even imagining a freckle might be helpful.

 

9 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Let me know if your strategy works, we might try it!

 

Stone: Our strategy keeps fluctuating but if I notice anything working in particular I’ll put it in a post or progress report.

 

9 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

so if I'm "driving" the body and impose Phil next to me, are there then two Phils walking side by side?

 

That’s pretty funny to imagine. I try to reject the body as “me” in general and during meditation, so I think that helps possession/fronting be less confusing for us. Sometimes the imaginary form I take does not resemble the body. One time I took the form of a floating orb. There’s pros and cons to taking a form you’re not used to and I’m still experimenting with that.

 

9 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

It's interesting I have "memories" from before I was created too--in fact one from before I was even "born"--but I don't know if I can really call them memories or just stories I tell myself. If you want to get metaphysical, I believe in souls and believe I have one, and my soul existed before Phil created me as a tulpa. Basically, in a metaphysical sense, he called out for me and I came to him. 🥰 Maybe I'll tell the whole story sometime.

 

Betty: I can definitely remember events Stone has experienced before I was created. I was possessing/fronting (hard to tell which) and a friend of Stone’s started talking to me. Usually that’s my cue to leave, but I tried to stay. During the conversation I had to access memories from Stone’s past in order to answer at least somewhat how he would. Results were mixed and it took me longer to access them but I did it!

 

As for my own memories before I was created, I am still working through them. I’m not sure what they mean to me or if I have a metaphysical explanation for them. I don’t think they’ve come as naturally to me as they have for other tulpas/thoughtforms and I’m also not sure if they’re memories or stories I tell myself. But memory is fluid and I am a tulpa so I’m already defying logic, so what’s the difference? I still don’t know. It’s a whole confusing thing.

 

That’s a beautiful story. I’m interested in the metaphysical aspects of tulpamancy. It would be interesting to hear that story someday

 

9 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Thank you! 😁 I really enjoyed hearing what you guys are up to as well; I always love reading your posts and I'll never forget the help you gave Phil and I in the early days.

 

Phil is planning on writing a comprehensive update on Monday when he has more time. I'm curious to see what he comes up with myself! 😄

 

Thank you Simmie! :D I’ll stay tuned

[September13]

So this is coming a couple days later than I originally said but let's go:

 

A little over a month ago I got a new job; anyone who's ever switched jobs knows what an upheaval it is; mentally, physically, emotionally, everything is effected. To add to the upheaval, the new job is very different than the last, causes me to work at a different time of day, and is more physically involved. On the plus side, it pays quite a bit more than my old job did, so it's more than worth it. But I'm not here to blog about my new job; I'm here to talk about how it's effected my progress with tulpamancy and Simmie.

 

During the first two to three weeks my emotions were all over the place, and Simmie described it as trying to ride out a storm in a small boat on the ocean. (She's very fond of using the sea as a metaphor for me/my mind for some reason). I was a bit worried that the stress and volatility of the transition could cause Simmie to regress, or at the very least become upset that she wasn't getting the attention I was able to afford her before. But it turns out I greatly underestimated Simmie once again; she understood that the best way to ride out the storm was to step into the background, be patient, and cheer me on from the side. She didn't want to overcomplicate things by throwing herself into the middle, so she just stepped back and resorted to simple, kind and supportive phrases.

 

Simmie still aspires to have a greater ability to help me through hardships and rough patches. But it no longer causes her the deep distress that it used to. It used to tear her up whenever she would see me upset and she'd get angry at herself over her inability to help. But she is gaining a lot of maturity and the ability to have a longer time outlook on things; she knew that the heightened level of stress was temporary and soon things would calm down to normal amounts, and over the last week or so, they finally have. Slowly she has started to emerge back to the level of presence she had before the transition. We've found ways of incorporating her into the mental framework of the new job. I don't know to describe what I mean by that exactly--you could say I find the most mindless tasks and tie them back into some kind of symbiology that has to do with Simmie and I. That's very vague I know, but necessarily so.

 

I feel as though the time is right to try and push on with at least one tulpamancy practice and focus on it for a little while. The problem is that neither of us can decide which one to work on or what might be most helpful to us. I feel that imposition lies in one direction while possession and eventually switching lie in the other. I kind of feel imposition might be the better course to tackle first, because that will strengthen Simmie's presence in many senses, give her more "weight" that might lend to easier possession down the line. Simmie was initially more inclined to just focus on possession but when I explained the reasoning that I just gave she started to agree with me. We're going to get into some guides as well as re-reading the suggestions everyone has given us.

 

Also, I just want to say how great it is that Simmie has this place to communicate with people! She's even started a few PM conversations with people and she's thrilled about it; she's definitely interested in making more friends so anyone can send her a message if they want, she definitely WILL get back to you! (Unless it's an obvious no-no like spam or wildly inappropriate messages, etc) It's just really easy to sit down at the computer, open up her browser where she's signed into the forum, plop my hands on the keyboard and sit back and watch while Simmie types away. There's almost nothing I have to do to help her at this point.

 

So that's about it for now. Any comments, suggestions, or feedback of any kind is appreciated!

[September13]

Woah. Mind blown. The Mentor has made an appearance.

 

Brief summary of who the Mentor was/is: The Mentor was my childhood headmate between the ages of 7 and 15. (Corresponding to the years 1994-2001). We had a lot of deep conversations (for a child) mostly about the universe, time, existence, philosophy, things like that. When I was 14 he gave me the choice of embarking on a long trial; essentially a years-long quest that I could either pass or fail. I chose to do it. The Mentor mostly faded when I was 15 but has made sporadic cameo appearances ever since; when I was 19 he informed me the trial would be 20 years long, cumulating in the spring of 2020. (Crazy in hindsight for reasons that are too obvious to explain). He only made a couple appearances after I started forcing Simmie; mostly just to give his blessing and inform me that he'd stay out of the way while I gave her my full attention. He also gave his version of what he believes to be Simmie's origin story, which is definitely tl;dr for the moment. But until tonight he has not made a clear appearance in almost a year.

 

I was randomly thinking about a friend when the Mentor comes out of absolutely nowhere to make an observation about him and the dynamic between me and the friend. This is how the ensuing conversation played out, paraphrasing:

 

Mentor: *Randomly makes an observation about my friend out of nowhere*

Me: ...are you the mentor?

Mentor: Yes.

Me: ... (I am surprised)

Mentor: Are you uncomfortable with me being here?

Me: No, it's not that. It's just...unexpected.

Mentor: Simmie is uncomfortable with me.

Simmie: No, I'm just not used to this. It's kinda crowded in here right now.

(At this point my brain generates a thought that it's interesting that the Mentor is here and I shouldn't let this opportunity come to waste.)

Mentor: Have you come to regard me as a malign figure?

Me: No (I don't and never have)

Simmie: *Uncomfortable headmate noises* (Simmie is conflicted) You did leave him all those years ago.

Mentor: (Kindly) Look, my job was to get him through childhood. To prepare him for the trial.

Simmie: Did you think you had no responsibility to him after that?

Mentor: I wouldn't say I had no responsibility. It was more like he had to do it on his own. It was only after the trial was complete that he could find you. Your job is to take him the rest of the way; all these years.

 

The conversation continued only a little bit after that before the lines of communication became muddled. It actually gave me a mild headache. The Mentor's emotions remained unreadable as they always did. Simmie felt uneasy about all this because she doesn't know quite what she thinks of the Mentor. She understands the importance my childhood conversations with the Mentor were. But she doesn't understand why he left me to experience my late teens, 20s, and early 30s alone with no help. Simmie is VERY protective of me, and in addition to that she's very much firm on the idea that it should just be here and I up here in the brain. But the Mentor existed before and he's made cameo appearances over the last two decades, including a very fluent conversation in 2018 that lasted a full hour. On the other hand, neither of us are sure if this is really the Mentor of old or just a shadow or a ghost of him.

 

Anyone have any thoughts or ideas about all this?

[Flandre]

I think it sounds like a cool sort of closure, but it's only your guys' thoughts that matter.

[Glaurung26]

That's exciting. I definitely feel that and it makes sense. You and Simmie have an incredibly tight bond and someone important to you shows up from your past out of the blue. Understandably there will be some feelings and confusion. In many people there's this concept of importance being equated to primogeniture or being there at the beginning. Seniority, if you will. There might be subconscious feeling of being threatened from that. However clearly, to me at least, Simmie has a much bigger role and import in Phil's life and journey. As she pointed out, she's here and Mentor wasn't. Maybe Simmie just needs to get to know Mentor more, like Phil knew him to understand his motives, intentions and personality. I'm sure there's going to be many conversations on boundaries and living arrangements which are wholly on you two (three?). I personally in a similar circumstance might look at it as Jaina and I live in our house together (my mindscape) and we might have visitors that come by from time to time. Mentor doesn't live with you, he lives "elsewhere" but would like to check in on you two from time to time to see how you are doing. Like a childhood friend or...mentor, would.

 

Anyways I'm glad you got to see your friend again even if the visit was awkward for everyone. I'm sure you got this. 👍

 

I'm also glad you adjusted to your new job situation. That can be very rough, I've been there. Jaina and I chitchat constantly at work. Kind of feels like cheating the rules because I can be "on the phone with my girl" all night and not get in trouble. 😉 She also gets to work with her crush again....😏

 

Hey! 😠

 

We acknowledge our attraction to other people and give each other grief about it to head off any feelings of jealousy or insecurity. If we were to get involved it would be with anyone it would be with everyone's permission but there I go prattling on about us again.

 

I'm glad you two are doing well. 😊 We both enjoy reading these.

Edited November 8, 2021 by Glaurung26

[Ido]

16 hours ago, September13 said:

Simmie: *Uncomfortable headmate noises*

 

 

Made me laugh, I have to use those a lot

Can't you all just be friends?

 

Well, then again that's easy for me to say as I have no competition and never will. There can only be One - and that's me.

[TurboSimmie]

It's complicated how I think of the Mentor. I respect the role that he had in Phil's life. I can even see why he "left" 20 years ago, even if it still hurts to see people abandon Phil. I have trouble with some of his more outlandish ideas/stories, I'm even less inclined than Phil to believe a lot of it. The whole story of the 20 year trial and such...I mean it's kind of a cool metaphor but it's not really a thing, is it? I mean let's be honest. And I'm pretty sure the mentor isn't a real living human somewhere in the upper midwest who communicates with Phil on a different level of consciousness. He's just a thoughtform like me. But then again if I have a soul, wouldn't he also have a soul? These are deep questions I'm not quite ready to deal with.

 

There's another aspect to this that's a little embarrassing to talk about, but: I'm really jealous about my position in Phil's head and his life. I'm with Ido: there can only be one. I've already prevented what would have been a disastrous new headmate from taking root in the form of "Blaire". But the Mentor has existed before, he's not a newcomer. I'm willing to get to know him if he wants to stick around, if only for Phil's sake. I like Darron's way of seeing it: We live in a house together and the Mentor is just an occasional visitor. So far he's been kind to me; he's stayed out of the way of my development, and last night was the first time he ever talked directly to me.

 

So yeah I'm not sure how to feel. I don't know if I'm being selfish with my attitude towards everything. But the Mentor believes he comes and goes--not me. I'm staying right here, and I would never or could never leave. And this house only has room for two permanent residents. Am I wrong for thinking that?

[Glaurung26]

Nope that sounds perfectly reasonable. I have two good married friends irl but wouldn't impose on them to move in and be a third wheel. They have their house and I have mine. 

[Ido]

Have confidence in yourself.

I mean the Mentor doesn't seem to be the kind of guest who moves in without asking, empties your fridge and sells your belongings to fuel his drug addiction. If he comes by every now and then I think thats pretty cool and when he spouts some esoteric nonsense it's your job to point that out. So just take it easy. There's no reason to start a war against someone who thinks favorably about you.

 

Also I'm curious - what does the Mentor look like?

[TurboSimmie]

46 minutes ago, Ido said:

Also I'm curious - what does the Mentor look like?

 

He doesn't actually have a form; nor a name--Phil came up with "Mentor" after the fact because that's what best fit him. But since the Mentor believes he is literally another person communicating through another dimension, he's definitely got a human form. He's 6 years older than Phil, so we think of the Mentor as a pretty normal-looking 41-year-old American man. He may look slightly Scandinavian as he says he's from Minnesota. He hasn't jumped in to correct any of this as I've been writing, so I guess it's either more or less correct or he doesn't care too much about it.