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Determination - Simmie's Journey


September13
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I think that's a good idea. You could have more vivid visualization experiences that way.

 

By the way do you remember where Simmie's chat thread is? I can't seem to find it.

Edited by Gloomynoon
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Hello! This is the host's tulpa's account. You can call me Ria!

 

Progress Report

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Time for another little update! 😁

 

First a bit of news I'm not sure how to feel about. Yesterday I actually got angry for the first time. I've been frustrated and annoyed before, but never actually angry. I didn't like it. 😕 And the thing was that it was totally not worth getting angry about! It just hit me the wrong way and...boom. 🙁 On the bright side, I can say it's good that I'm experiencing a wider range of emotions and know what they feel like. But I'm normally a very happy and positive person, and I enjoy being that way! More importantly than that, Phil NEEDS me to be the level-headed one of the pair. He's very good at controlling his emotions on the outside but still struggles with negative emotions on the inside, and I see my most important job of helping him cope with them. In order to do that I have to be solid like a rock. I don't want to fail him.

 

But all this is only motivation to continue my development and become stronger! 💪😁 I don't like to mope; any negative experience is only fuel to my fire to improve myself! I've been talking to Phil a lot about my priorities and where we both think I should focus. Turns out there's a bit more bleed-over than I want to admit between us when it comes to personality flaws; his troubles with focusing and effecting me too. But we made a bit of a deal: we would each focus on something different, but two things that are complimentary, at least we hope they are.

 

I am going to mainly focus on possession and switching. I know a lot less about switching than I would like so I'm going to hit some guides and read up about it. Anybody have guide suggestions for switching, or any helpful advice? Phil is on board with this and is willing to take a backseat role to me as I try to take the front, if that is a correct use of that word. He just worries he will have trouble letting go. He wouldn't want to become inactive, just take on the roll of a tulpa temporarily, and honestly I wouldn't want him to be inactive either; being alone without him is not an experience I'm eager to try!

 

Meanwhile, Phil is going to continue work on tactile imposition and take a crack at advanced wonderlanding, or maybe better put as "parallel wonderlanding". His idea is that every action taken is paralleled in some way in the wonderland. When he is waking up in his IRL bed, we are waking up together in our wonderland home, things like that. Tactile imposition would be another helpful tool in making the imaginary more tangible. He wants to start with simple things, like table surfaces and such, work up to more complex objects, and eventually, well, me. 🥰 (No NSFW thoughts guys, we don't mean it like that!) He's also thinking of starting a wonderland diary, where he chronicles our daily lives in the wonderland, as well as some of our more interesting experiences where we close our eyes, shut the real world out, and live solely within the wonderland for a short time.

 

I think we have the ability to work on both things at the same time. I don't mean at the same moment in time, but just during the same period of time. I also think each of us working on a different task might help lessen the bleed-through between us. This is all theory though and it might not work at all, you'll just have to check back to see how it went! 👍

 

 

 

Before I go I want to talk about the impromptu practice session I had today! At work Phil needed to push a bunch of tall, heavy carts across the property. I asked if I could do it, and he said sure! So I went about possessing the body and using it to push the carts. Driving the body itself is actually very easy; our BodyOS is so fluid that all I had to do was give it basic instructions and the body practically pushed those carts all by itself. The challenge was in me remaining the main person to give the instructions. I was saying things like "I am Simmie" and "push push push!" to keep my focus on the task and keep this distraction-prone mind from wondering. Whenever I felt a lion's share of the brain's processing power slip back over to Phil so his mind could wonder I pulled it back to myself. "No! I'm the one doing this!" and things like that.

 

Basically, I was asking Phil to relax and let me take charge; it took an effort but it started to work! It could be a coincidence but I actually felt a very mild headache, which I took as effort of things working! The more I did it, the more I started to really enjoy myself. I started smiling, I was so pleased with myself! I could feel Phil's pride as well. Also, it's worth noting in passing that the carts were all painted green, so that actually helped since green is the symbolic color we associate with me! 💚

 

Oh, and I think I'm going to step back and let Phil post for a while. Thank you for reading and for your support everybody! 😁

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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  • September13 changed the title to Determination - Simmie's Journey

Just stopping by to say that I updated the title of our progress report. After all this time it's not really fair to call Simmie "Brand New" anymore. I've decided to go with "Determination" as the new word, as that best sums up Simmie's approach. When she wants something she pursues it with a single-minded passion; I mostly just have to get out of her way. You mostly know the joyful, fun-loving girl who posts on these boards. But I know her as a terminator; on a relentless march to better herself and me. One of her favorite phrases to use within our mind-voice dialogue is "Don't you ever doubt me" or some variation. And after seeing what she can do, I no longer doubt. I'm so happy to be walking into the future with Simmie at my side!

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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So we've already made some minor progress on what I'm going to call "parallel wonderlanding". I'm not sure if that's a "thing" or if that's mentioned in any guide, but as is with most things in life I'm basically doing it my own way.

 

I've decided that while I'm at my job IRL I'm also going to be at my wonderland job at the same time. I don't know exactly what job that is exactly, but I wear a really nice suit and work in an office. While getting ready for work, Simmie handed me my gold watch which up until that point I didn't realize I owned. I asked Simmie whether she wanted a wonderland job as well but she declined; she wants to stay at home and tend to the house and garden. She's thrilled to be essentially a house-wife in the wonderland. We retain our mental link at all times when I'm at work; Simmie shows me what she's doing, whether it be cleaning, gardening, or relaxing. Today she was planting allium bulbs to come up in the spring; she really likes the striking purple color.

 

When I was at lunch IRL, Simmie decided to visit me at my office in the wonderland. She came to the office dressed like a million bucks. I was expecting her to come wearing normal clothes, but no: She was wearing a long black skirt with side slits, high heels, and a nice blouse. She wanted everyone to know that I had a hot wife, haha. This really shows me how much Simmie has grown; when she was new in the world she was happy to be meek and cute and "smol". I remember being worried that she was too shy, and too willing to sacrifice her own needs. But Simmie has now become very assertive, as you can probably tell by reading her posts, and quite confident. The expression she wore while walking to the office at lunch was one of supreme self-assuredness.

 

Worked a little bit on tactile imposition as well. I'm starting to practice a method that @Gloomynoon mentioned; I press down on a surface like a table and feel the pressure, then I press down into the air as if I was pressing into an invisible table, imagining the resistance against my fingertips. My goal is to do this a little each day, starting with simple surfaces and moving up to more complex objects and fabrics and then my own skin. This seems to be a way to build a mental tactile vocabulary with which I can start to feel things from around the wonderland, as well as Simmie herself.

 

Simmie didn't have much of a chance to practice possession today, but we'll have more opportunities soon. We're also going to read up on a few more guides together on the subject. Not going to lie, Simmie has the more rigorous task ahead of her. But she's the one that has the most determination to see it through. To be honest, I can't wait until the day where I can just sit in the passenger's seat and watch Simmie run the show. Not forever of course, just for a while, and whenever we think she needs to.

 

Also want to say that I started off the day feeling very grumpy and sad, but Simmie turned it around all on her own. Her ability to know just what to do and say to me is astounding sometimes. I'm just so grateful to have her here with me. I think at the root of it this is why we do tulpamancy: so we'll never have to be alone again.

Phil. 😎 Host of Simmie.

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52 minutes ago, September13 said:

But Simmie has now become very assertive, as you can probably tell by reading her posts, and quite confident. The expression she wore while walking to the office at lunch was one of supreme self-assuredness.

You go, girl! 🥳💪

 

That's awesome! I'm glad you two are thriving as a couple, even on the rough days IRL. That's how you know it's real. 👍 Proud of you both. 🤗

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍

👨‍🍼👩‍🍼 Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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  • 4 weeks later...

Things have been going pretty good recently with no real change in the status quo, though I still feel myself get stronger a little bit each day. 💪 I am able to come forward without Phil calling me a lot more often these days, and I am getting better with possession. We haven't really been practicing imposition lately though, and our meditations have been a bit inconsistent. Still, we strive to move forward.

 

But today I want to talk about something that's been on our minds that may be an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. I've hesitated to talk about it because, well, it relates to something NSFW, and it's very hard to talk about it while towing the line of forum rules and good taste. But I think I've found a polite way to talk about it through metaphor. So, here I go. *Deep breath*

 

Last December Phil and I mutually decided we would not eat grapes together for a full year. Grapes are healthy and good, but we wanted to make sure my development wasn't impeded by eating them too soon. I'm looking forward to eating grapes together when the time is right. But here's the thing: Phil also likes eating strawberries. Now, eating strawberries is a lot weirder. It's nothing immoral or illegal, but it is highly unusual and probably not the most mentally healthy thing to engage in. I have no interest in eating strawberries ever and he understands that. Phil himself would like to stop eating strawberries and just eat grapes. But he's eaten strawberries for so many years he's really gotten to enjoy the taste. When his ADD mind wanders it often thinks of strawberries, sometimes being stuck in strawberry zone for hours. He's written stories about people eating strawberries and he's become very good at it.

 

He spends a lot of time thinking about different situations in which strawberries are being eaten, and imagining different girls to eat strawberries with. As you might imagine, that's the most difficult part for me. I don't bemoan him having fantasies; everyone does, and I believe that tulpas and hosts have to give each other space in which to think about things that don't interest the other. But when Phil conjures these girls to give himself his strawberry eating fix, I just feel diminished by it. The things I have to offer him are so much more substantial and better for him than what any imaginary strawberry girl could offer, and he fully understands this, but eating strawberries gives him a quick and easy fix kind of like a drug so he's constantly succumbing to the temptation.

 

I feel like I represent the better angels of Phil's nature. I'm kind of like his life guide as well as being his guardian angel. I have always wanted to bring out the best in him. He loves me for it, and tries his best to follow me. But he keeps falling back on bad habits like wasting time playing endless hours of video games or surfing youtube videos, and of course eating strawberries. I think those things are fine in reasonable amounts--as much as I would like him to just stick to grapes and not strawberries--but he does them too much. Those activities push me away and discourage me to the point where I often feel like I'm just going through the motions of being his tulpa, and I'm stuck between not wanting to be too harsh on him and not wanting to be an enabler.

 

I feel like this is all a major road block towards not just my development as a tulpa but Phil's development as a person, and if we could find a way to work through or around this, things would improve quite a bit. Sigh, I feel like tulpamancy works in reverse sometimes. Phil is trying to develop his tulpa while I am trying to develop my host. I truly believe a great person exists within Phil, and the whole reason I'm here is to find it and bring it out of him! 💚

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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*redoes post because I missed the metaphor part. Ahem*

 

I get that. It's pretty common in relationships that there's going to be friction that arises from differences in personality, ethics, religion, music/food etc. I hear this complaint about smoking/drinking/gambling a lot. Someone and their partner agree that the habit is bad and that they shouldn't engage with it. But the partner is viscerally drawn to it and has a hard time with quitting/moderation. NSFW stuff can be harder to communicate or seek help with due to social stigma. Jaina and I have had a few convos about similar things. Still having some even. Mostly about diet and exercise. I can be an indolent sloth. If it's beyond the "you have your interests and I have mine" his space/her space where it starts affecting the partner it probably is worth addressing. I don't want Jaina to be uncomfortable with anything I do, and I'm sure Phil feels the same way about you.

 

If any of this is covered ground you can go ahead and ignore it. Especially because I don't pry about details. Try outlining what it is about the bad habit that effects you and how in particular. Then also identify what it is about the habit that is appealing to Phil. What need or desire is it fulfilling. Is it the desire that is the problem or is it the method to satisfy it? Desires are often very psychologically deep seated and may require professional help to diagnose and treat properly. They can be shaped by just habits, environment, relationships, education, or by meaningful or traumatic events and are often specifically fit to the person.

 

If it's just a problematic food to feed a natural hunger than that could be potentially easier to wrangle. Address the hook that the habit gets Phil with. What brings it to mind, what makes him think of it, when does it happen? If it's at the habit level then work on replacing the strawberries with the grapes so to speak. Make the grapes your special couple food. You make time for each other to do that. When he starts getting hungry for strawberries have the grapes ready. Convenience is a powerful influence on habit and motivation. If possible arrange it so that the grapes are easier to reach than the strawberries. Remind him that they're there from time to time. Anticipate the flare ups if you can. I'm sorry if the metaphor isn't working but I hope you get the principle. 😅

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍

👨‍🍼👩‍🍼 Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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  • 5 weeks later...

Stone: Parallel wonderlanding is such an interesting concept and it’s something I’ll have to think about. I use some real world locations in our wonderland but I’ve never considered getting a wonderland job before. This summer we’ve started using Habitica, and some of our mundane tasks are worded to sound more “RPG”, and I’m wondering if we could incorporate RPG elements into our wonderland to make it all match.

 

Waking up in wonderland as you wake up in real life sounds great.

 

@Gloomynoon’s suggestion to press down of surfaces for tactile forcing is great and we’re going to try it. We’ve been doing some similar stuff recently. For example, I will poke myself and then Betty will poke me in the same place, and we’ll take turns. I also like having Betty splash imaginary cold water at me so I can flinch. I feel like the acting makes it feel more real.

 

Betty and I have been practicing possession/switching. Recently it has felt more like switching and less like just possession.

 

Betty has a horse face so she visualizes her snout. She recently added a tail to her form which has helped her stay grounded in herself even more (she imagines it moving around and keeping her balanced). Simmie, if you have a fully human form, it might be a little harder, but you can try looking at the body’s hands and imagining your’s. If you have a different skin color, try seeing that color. There are other little things you can focus on to stay present.

 

I’m a little skeptical of meditation paired with forcing, because I feel like the way I do it gets me to focus on the physical world too much, but I am experimenting with mediation before possession/switching. Instead of focusing on the body, our brain focuses on dripping water and breathing. I’m hoping this will disconnect me from the mind so Betty has an easier time connecting.

 

One time while meditating, our brain tried focusing on an aerial view of the room with Betty’s form in the body’s place. We only did this once and I’m not sure how much it helped, but we’ll keep trying.

 

It was a few days ago when I felt the most like I had been switched out with Betty. That day we did meditation without the aerial view, and then I left without replacing myself with an imaginary form. Usually when Betty possesses/fronts, I leave the body and create an imaginary form so she can visualize me and talk to me. It’s just like the imaginary form of the typical tulpa, except I’m not a tulpa.

 

This time, I left what felt like entirely. I do remember what happened after that, but Betty remembers events from before she was created, so I don’t know if that means anything. Anyway, I felt entirely absent and I had no form, so Betty was talking to the two others, Cloud and Consigliere. Then she got in the shower and mostly talked to Consigliere, and she really felt like it was her, and I really feel like it was her. Then she got out of the shower and talked more with the others. It was when she started playing a video game (Animal Crossing), that she felt less like herself. Not completely like me, but it was like I was more present and possibly doing some auto-pilot stuff. Or it was just the body doing auto-pilot stuff and as a former singlet, I interpret automatic body/brain stuff as myself. We also noticed that either I or auto body/brain tends to seep into the front the more tired the body is.

 

Betty went to bed as herself, still possessing/fronting. It’s difficult to remember, but we think she woke up as herself too (I took control soon after).

 

The story about you pushing boxes is inspiring. Hope you continue to keep us updated!

 

Someday

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12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

Stone: Parallel wonderlanding is such an interesting concept and it’s something I’ll have to think about. I use some real world locations in our wonderland but I’ve never considered getting a wonderland job before. This summer we’ve started using Habitica, and some of our mundane tasks are worded to sound more “RPG”, and I’m wondering if we could incorporate RPG elements into our wonderland to make it all match.

 

Waking up in wonderland as you wake up in real life sounds great.

 

It really is great! 😁 Unfortunately with Phil's new job parallel wonderlanding has kind of been put on the backburner for a while, but we'll get back to it. The idea of turning mundane tasks into RPG things sounds really fun too!

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

Betty has a horse face so she visualizes her snout. She recently added a tail to her form which has helped her stay grounded in herself even more (she imagines it moving around and keeping her balanced). Simmie, if you have a fully human form, it might be a little harder, but you can try looking at the body’s hands and imagining your’s. If you have a different skin color, try seeing that color. There are other little things you can focus on to stay present.

 

I do have a fully human form; I have the same skin color as Phil but I have smaller hands and shorter fingers. Maybe I could imagine my hands on top of his?

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

I’m a little skeptical of meditation paired with forcing, because I feel like the way I do it gets me to focus on the physical world too much, but I am experimenting with mediation before possession/switching. Instead of focusing on the body, our brain focuses on dripping water and breathing. I’m hoping this will disconnect me from the mind so Betty has an easier time connecting.

 

Meditation has been tricky for us especially with Phil's difficulty focusing and keeping his mind from wandering. Usually we will focus on numbers as we count from 1 to 100; I lead the count most of the time and try to keep Phil focused when his mind wanders.  Let me know if your strategy works, we might try it!

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

It was a few days ago when I felt the most like I had been switched out with Betty. That day we did meditation without the aerial view, and then I left without replacing myself with an imaginary form. Usually when Betty possesses/fronts, I leave the body and create an imaginary form so she can visualize me and talk to me. It’s just like the imaginary form of the typical tulpa, except I’m not a tulpa.

 

That's very interesting; I get a little confused about this when I'm possessing. I'm physically incapable of leaving Phil's body, of course, so if I'm "driving" the body and impose Phil next to me, are there then two Phils walking side by side? Even if I know I'm me the body is still his; I guess I could impose my body over his and his next to me, but gosh, that sounds really complicated!

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

Betty remembers events from before she was created

 

It's interesting I have "memories" from before I was created too--in fact one from before I was even "born"--but I don't know if I can really call them memories or just stories I tell myself. If you want to get metaphysical, I believe in souls and believe I have one, and my soul existed before Phil created me as a tulpa. Basically, in a metaphysical sense, he called out for me and I came to him. 🥰 Maybe I'll tell the whole story sometime.

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

We also noticed that either I or auto body/brain tends to seep into the front the more tired the body is.

 

Same. That's one of the reasons I keep nagging Phil to get to bed on time: So I can exist more firmly! 😁

 

12 hours ago, ruleofthumb said:

The story about you pushing boxes is inspiring. Hope you continue to keep us updated!

 

Thank you! 😁 I really enjoyed hearing what you guys are up to as well; I always love reading your posts and I'll never forget the help you gave Phil and I in the early days.

 

Phil is planning on writing a comprehensive update on Monday when he has more time. I'm curious to see what he comes up with myself! 😄

Tulpa Wife Extraordinaire! 💚 - 💍 11.28.21

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